Hung Like Huang

Putting my intro astronomy class’ material into good use, let me educate… ahem… let me school you fools on what’s up with this here image. The image clearly depicts the Sun revolving around the Earth over the course of a year. Now, I know some of you scientists might say otherwise, but let me assure that geocentricism is alive and thriving, thanks to images like this.

On a related note, is anybody attending the Flat Earth Society symposium next week?

What’s really happening: The apparent path of the Sun around the Earth, has to do with an imaginary gigantic sphere, whose central point is the Earth, that projects the Earth’s features (equator, poles, etc.), known as the celestial sphere. It’s useful for mapping stars, planets, meteors, etc.

In this case, the Sun’s yearly course, or ecliptic, is seen here. It’s kind of like switching the spot of the Sun, with the Earth’s. Except, there’s no switching, it’s just from an Earthly point of view/perspective which centers it, but it’s not, but it is, you know? So it looks like the Sun is the one revolving.
Make any sense? Sure it doesn’t. Just google/wikipedia it. Or don’t.
Image from Educated Earth.

Most beers are brewed in a similar manner. You begin with a base malt (Approx 6lbs. Liquid malt ext.). This is where the bulk of the alcohol content originates. To augment the boozification of your fun juice you will need to include solids to the mix. Here are a few you can choose from.

*Dry malt extract
*Rice syrup solids
*Honey
*Brown sugar

(note: If the latter two drew your attention then you were the one rolling into highschool parties with a six pack of Smirnoff Ice.)
(note: Some additives are solids and overuse could cause your batch to become an amorphous semi-solid not unlike Kirstie Alley [Snap].)

Let’s get to the preparation part of this bitch since I know this sciency crap’s a bit dry…

What you will need: (Good luck finding at least half this shit anywhere)

*Yeast
*Malt extract
*30pk. Of your favorite beer (This is gonna take a while. Be prepared!)
*Specialty Grains
*Flux Capacitor
*Hops
*Means of generating 1.21 Jiggawatts
*Machine that looks like a ten gallon bucket filled with a giant helix shaped copper dildo

Procedure:

You begin by removing your yeast from the refrigerator along with two beers. Place your malt extract into a sink full of warm water. Hell, throw the beers in there too, they’re easier to drink when they’re not freezing. Consider giving up and have another beer. Next, heat water and combine it with your grain in a grain bag, trash bag, or fuckin’ whatever’s handy I guess. Have a beer. Don’t forget to burn off the turner. Let grains soak for 30 minutes-ish. For added danger, your drunk ass will now be boiling water and dipping the grain bag gently into it, sort of how your friend Greg dangled his…never mind.

So now add the liquid and dry malt to the disaster that is before you. All this heat has doubtlessly made you a bit parched. Get your friend in on the action by demanding he get his freeloading ass to the fridge for some refreshment. Remind him that his mom is hot and that you would “do” her if given the opportunity. When he reminds you that his mother died two years ago in a horrific jet ski accident, panic, and say you meant his dad. Nice save. Reward yourself by shotgunning a beer.

Once the shit stew has come to a boil, add hops and set a timer for… 60min!!! Fuck that, you’ll say. Have a beer in an attempt to forget the Greg incident. With all this open air, bare hands, and general disregard for personal hygiene you may be asking yourself about sanitation. That disease ridden whore you call a girlfriend has more medical issues than she can count on her eight and a half digits. Now you’re concerned with sanitation? Alcohol kills everything anyway, right? Moving on. You know what, fuck it. If you could follow a simple set of instructions you would still be in high school now wouldn’t you. Here are the “cliff notes” you thick fuck. Take all ingredients, shove them down your throat. Let it ferment as it expands without bound in your gastric intestinal tract while you float belly down in a shallow puddle of your own failure, also known as your neighbors above ground pool. How hard was it to get that 30 pack earlier anyway. Ten minutes and fifteen bucks and you were all set. Now you’re suffering from third degree burns and crippling debt asshole. Great, now next time your friend gets drunken ambition and suggests how “wicked” it would be to create your own brew say “fuck that and fuck you Greg”, it’s not all Betty Crockery.