Hung Like Huang

More like, global un-warming… with a heaping side of snow. If you’re in southern California today, April 20th, you know that it’s cold and raining/snowing (if you leave near a mountain/snow slug nest). If you’re in any other part of the country… um… you are also experiencing some type of weather or another. I don’t know, I tend not to care about the weather in any other part of the country, except for the one that I’m currently in, which of course, (mis)shapes my conception of crackpot theories(see title), and further, leads to a 20% increase in run-on sentences, liberal use of commas, and other such grammatical phenomena.

So with Earth Day coming up, I thought I would expound a little, and offer my liberal hippy friends (they’re not really my friends, I just like the smell of patchouli and the loose hippy chicks that like to get down) a suggestion about what they could protest, cuz lord knows they’ve run the fuck out of ideas. They’ve been bitching about trees, whales, war, and blacks since the 60’s. They need to get with da TiMez, son.

The idea? You guessed it, Global Cooling. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s freaking obvious the Earth isn’t getting hotter, and by that, I mean the weather in my hometown at this very second isn’t getting hotter. And just like celebrities concentrate on feeding the Ethiopians and adopting the Asians, and they forget about everybody else in the less exotic world, why not look over in the direction of those wishing for a nice, warm day today? Huh? Why not? Come on… COME ON… COME ON!!! You’d be pretty cool and hip for trying to raise awareness of the effects of Global Cooling in a town that nobody’s ever heard of, Madongelina Penn Baldwin.

What is soo global and warming about this picture, taken not but a mere seconds ago:

Yeah, that’s an elementary school.

Children need dirt and sand, not snow. You wouldn’t want to deprive the children from experiencing the wonders of the playground, would you? Get started, Earth-loving MoFos.

*Quick Note: Do you guys remember Jacob? Well, he ran the Boston Marathon! That’s right! Go read about his experience.

Some lucky and privileged few of you may see the irony in the title—you probably know who this pertains to and/or have read Slaughterhouse-five. While the rest of you only know that you’ve maybe, probably heard that phrase somewhere, sometime. The phrase comes from the recently deceased, writer/novelist/humanist/awesome human being, Kurt Vonnegut.

Alas, this post is not about the influence one has had on another (me), but of the innate ability that many of us have to find humor in tragedy. I awoke this morning to the ever annoying, but always drawing babble of Good Day L.A.—the yapping will make your ears bleed, but it gets you the fuck out of bed—which was, strangely, reporting news, and not some celebrity scandal or half-assed attempt at the weather report. Nope. Not this time. Good Day LA had cried wolf on too many occasions so I decided to not bother with their reporting.

To continue, I sat up with one blood-shot eye realizing how busy I’ve not only been, but have truly enjoyed being for the past two months. I had managed to do the impossible: watched no more than two hours of television a night, used the internet for email and to feed my baby(this site). To put it grossly, I had separated myself from the real world (of pop-culture). But I got up from bed this morning to a show that I rarely pay attention to, and decide to surf the web to find out that the awesome Vonnegut died a few days ago, Virginia Tech was hit by a crazed gunman this morning, and the daily newsletter that I unsubscribed to three weeks ago, which I never subscribed to, to begin with, was still flooding me with their crap.

Sigh. Depressing, I know. If there are any starving African kids out there, you’re fucking lucky. At least you all know your fates: lay dying with a fermenting stomach, or be adopted by a self-righteous celebrity. In any case, sadly, nobody will truly ever care about you. No, not even UNICEF. Maybe God is trying to tell me to stay the fuck off the computer and keep from watching crappy television. I don’t know. What I do know for sure, though, is how angering it can be knowing that no matter how hard you work to try and better yourself, somewhere out there, there is some lazy, self-loathing, pathetic soul playing Counter-Strike thinking to themselves how cool it would be to shoot everyone they hate. I can’t think of an anymore feeble attempt at trying to transcend your problems. Anybody can go out and kill everyone that’s making their life “miserable” and take their own life while they’re at it. Not very impressive, chimp-shit. Yeah, life sucks, but you don’t fucking quite. The day you do that, you put yourself out of your own misery. There is no gun-smoke glory.

Excuse me. I’m sorry for sounding so angry, but why the fuck do I keep getting this damn health newsletter? LoLeRrZz!

For providing me, and many others, with such eloquent insight into the intricacies of life, thank you, Kurt.

“If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.”

-Kurt Vonnegut

It appears Jackie Chan is starting his very own Chinese TV reality show. The theme? You guessed it, finding the next action movie hero. Titled the Disciple, Chan has already stated the criteria that he’s looking for:

“A lot of actors are good at fighting but (their style) is not beautiful, if you can incorporate dance with an ability to perform kung fu, that would be better.”

I’ve come up with some better titles for the show.

—So You Theenk-ah You Can Da-ance-ah, AND Speakah Boroken Engrish?

—[Unintenligible] (Instead of the title appearing at the beginning of every episode, Jackie Chan will just scream it. Not one word will be understood.)

—The Real Housewives of Orange County

—Chinese Eye for the Round Eye

So on and so forth…

No, Jackie Chan, you did that a long time ago.

Source

Heard of it? Interested in being credited as a producer? Do you have a dollar? If yes, then, what are waiting for?

The gist: A collaborative effort whose sole mean is to raise money for the Global Fund for Women under the guise of movie making. Meaning, your donation will give something back in return (other than that warm feeling you get when you give bums on the street change for “food”): A production credit that will put your name as “producer” in the IMDB. A myriad of celebrities have become producers, so we should totally follow suite. Maybe some of their artistic talent will rub off on us. Maybe.

As for the film? Well, there will be a film, but, like the title denotes, it will actually only be 1 second in length, 24 frames of animation, to be exact, followed by 90 minutes of credits. Now that’s fucking genius!

Here’s a video of Stephen Colbert legitimizing the project, so that IMDB would grant the producer credits to everyone that payed their $1:

Here’s another one, which includes the Colbert clip you just saw plus Pierce Brosnan, Steve Buscemi, Bob Odenkirk, Kevin Bacon, Tom Arnold, and Richard Edson.

In case you didn’t already know, Keith Richards used to snort whatever the fuck got in his path, back in the day. But I bet you didn’t know what the weirdest thing he ever snorted was.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father […] He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.“

That’s pretty insane. On the bright side, I bet he never leaves a mess wherever he goes.

It’s finally official… U2’s Bono is an asshole. I’ve never really had anything against U2’s music, but I’ve also never really liked it. And Bono has always looked like a conniving douche, but for reasons that I could never identify (although always wearing flagrantly fancy/hip sunglasses and referring to yourself by one name really helps)… until now.

This post isn’t about how much of a douche Bono is, though. It’s about what an asshole Bono is. The evidence? Right here.

You see, Bono thought it would be an excellent idea to spend 100 million, to only raise a measly 20 million for children with AIDS in Africa, through his Red Campaign. Now, I ain’t no mathematician rocket scientist 8 year old Clever Hans, but I’m pretty sure Bono would have been better off donating those 100 million Americans directly to the children in Africa. Now, I know that if he did that, nobody would have really found out about how much he cares about dying Africans. You see, if you’re a publicity whore like Bono, it makes absolute perfect sense to spend five times as much money telling everyone you care, than what you actually spend helping the people that you “care” about. As a gesture of gratitude, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Hey, Bono! Go fuck yourself!