Hung Like Huang

February 23, 2007

Battles of the Century

Filed under: TV, Movies, Humor, Celebrity — Eric @ 4:04 am

Everybody knows that most celebrities have a TV character based off of their likeness. Either that, or Hollywood has a machine capable of producing cartoon characters in the form of humans. The latter is the most likely possibility, if I use logic and my fundamental Christian beliefs. So have you ever thought about what would happen if both worlds converged? Battles of epic proportions, that’s what.

It would probably be one big Don King involucred pay-per-view event, at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Michael Buffer would be announcing, no doubt. Luckily for us, it would be spliced into 10 minute segments on YouTube, and with hilarious dissections on YouTubeRoast, within minutes of the event.

Fight 1: Zorak (Space Ghost) vs. Larry King
Zorak-SpaceGhost

VS.

LarryKing

Fight 2: The Headless Horsemen (avec head) vs. Britney Spears (sans hair)
Walken

VS.

CrazySpears

Fight 3: Jabba the Hut vs. Rosie O’donnell
JabbatheHut

VS.

Odonnell2

Fight 4: Peter Pan vs. Michael Jackson

peterpan2
VS.

MikeAndKids

Fight 5: Skeletor vs. Cameron Diaz

skeletor

VS.

cdiaz

Fight 6: Doug Heffernan (The King of Queens) vs. Kevin James

kingofqueens

VS.

kevinjames

Fight 7: To be continued…

February 17, 2007

You Went Bankrupt for A Reason Trivia

Filed under: Humor — Eric @ 12:31 am

I just found this out, but it’s pretty old news.

What rapper not only bought gold chains for his 4 rottweilers, but also installed a dishwasher in his bedroom to clean up after midnight snacks?

Answer:

February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day

Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized — Eric @ 3:22 am

Valentine's Cat

February 12, 2007

Big Ups, California Cow

Filed under: Cow Facts, Humor, Uncategorized — Eric @ 3:37 am
amarosa
Quick Cow Fact #1: Did you know the average California cow produces over 19,000 gallons of milk per year? That’s more milk per cow than any other state in the nation!

February 6, 2007

Blaxploitation Month

Filed under: Humor — Eric @ 6:18 pm
Blax

So February is finally here, again, for like the billionth time. And with it, comes Black History Month. BHM is one of the weirdest months of the year. This is the only time of year during which all the racists come out of their closets. From the annoyingly uptight conservative in your high school English class, to your state governors.

The former will whine: “It’s not fair! Why do blacks get their own month? That’s really racist. I bet if there was a white history month, or a white parade, even, we would be called racist. That’s a bunch of bullcrap. Sorry for cursing, but it is! “

Translation: What? Blacks have their own month? Fuck that shit. Why the fuck do they get their own month? I’m not a racist, but I just think that for a people that we enslaved and persecuted and continue to be oppress based on the color of their skin… to have a whole month dedicated to them is completely uncalled for. And sure, yeah, I understand that the whites in America (besides some of those dirty Irish, and some Jews) have never truly been through such and a thing… And, okay, white history is taught to us every god damned day in history class, from elementary school all the way up until high school graduation. So we “technically” don’t need a month, since we have everything going for us. But maybe, at least, a white pride parade, though, yeah? It still doesn’t make sense why an undeserving people, like ourselves, don’t have a month yet.

And the latter, they will parade and exploit all of the leaders and communities they ever lied to for a vote: ” It is with great privilege and honor that I stand here before the African-American community, a step ahead of the struggle, and one step closer to victory…”

Translation: If you can’t tell from the patronizing look on my face, I’m only here because I promised you guys some shit, that I can’t really remember right now. It probably has something to do with being black and inequality or something… Anyway, I got your vote. So thanks, but yeah, I really don’t give two fucks about any of you. Can I get as many of you as possible to get on stage with me, right now? I need a few good pictures with some of y’all. Haha. C’mon y’all! Hahahaha. Woot woot! Raise the roof, y’all! Great, just a few more pictures. I think like six will prove that I care and shit. Ok, great. Thanks. I’ll see you when I see you; right before next election, probably.

So the moral of the story: If you’re a minority, like yours truly, for the entirety of the month, you should be giving whites shit about everything (wrong) they have done, are doing, and will do. We want to fuck shit up, too. Give us a chance.

Oh, and if you’re white: Shame on you. You’re all guilty by association. Sorry, but that’s the way the world works. If it were up to me, it would be different. It’s the law of the jungle and what have you…

January 28, 2007

Straight to Video Sequels

Filed under: Movies, Humor — Eric @ 4:18 am

The Titanic 2: Undersea Adventures

To Kill a Mockingbird, Again!: A Closer Look at SARS

Braveheart II: The Fall of Zion

The Seventh Sense: The Penis as an Extrasensory Organ

Amores Gatos: Like Amores Perros, but with Gatos…

King Kong Jr.: You Must Have Missed the Ann Darrow Rape Scene

Schindler’s Other List: Grocery Shopping Has Never Been More Depressing

Two Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Jim Carey as You’ve Never Seen Him Before

The Pianist’s Piano: There’s More to the Story Than Meets the Eye(-vory keys)

VI for Vendetta: If You Loved Natalie Portman with a Shaved Head, You’ll Love Her With Dreadlocks

This Films Is Still Not Yet Rated: An Update on the Current Status of the First

January 22, 2007

Origin of Words via Lame Conversations

Filed under: Humor — Eric @ 10:59 am

This is an example of a conversation that took place between two friends in which one of them rediscovers a word that was discovered (created) in the 1600’s.

Guy 1: Fuck, dude, Guy 3 is such a douche ever since he started dating Girl 25.

Guy 2: I know. All he does is think about himself. He never even calls anymore. Not to mention that when I call I have to leave him a message that will undoubtedly go ignored.

Guy 1: Oh shit, there he is. He’s coming over. Play it cool… like we don’t miss his friendship.

Guy 3: Hey, Guy 1… Guy 2. Sorry I haven’t returned any of your calls and stuff. I’ve been real busy with with Girl 25. You know how it is?

Guy 2: Yeah, sure…

Guy 1: We totally need to hang out. We miss you, man.

Guy 3: Yeah, but not now. I have to go back home. Me and Girl 25 are watching the America’s Next Top Model marathon. I’ll call you guys sometime, maybe. Later.

Guy 3 exits.

Guy 1: Fuck, all Guy 3 cares about is himself.

Guy 2: Yeah. Like his all into himself.

Guy 1: Yeah, he’s soo fucking into his self. Like, self…ish…You know? Did I just invent a word? Self-ish?

How it Really Happened…

Word Inventor: Hey, Thesaurus Guy, I’m making a word book; a dictionary.

Thesaurus Guy: Oh cool. Like my thesaurus book?

Word Inventor: Yeah, kind of… but with definitions to words ‘n’ stuff.

Thesaurus Guy: Tight.

Word Inventor: What is? Nevermind. Anyway, I need a word that means the opposite of considerate.

Thesaurus Guy: Oh, that’s easy. One antonym coming right up! Give me sec…

Word Inventor: Haha. You’re great. Thanks, dog.

Thesaurus Guy: Dog? Where? Who? Ok! I got it. How’s about selfish?

Word Inventor: Selfish? Ok, that sounds good. Hahahaha. I’ve never heard that word. It is a word, right?

Thesaurus Guy: It is now!

Thesaurus Guy and Word Inventor giggle like little girls for fifteen minutes at their newfound power.

January 21, 2007

_In the News_

Filed under: Fake News, News, Humor — Eric @ 11:19 pm

The Independent, UK. If you are looking for a healthier life, get a dog. Scientist have long believed that the companionship of a pet can be good for you, but new research suggests that dog owners are physically healthier than cat owners.

According to Deborah Wells from Queen’s University, Belfast, dog owners tend to have lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, possibly thanks to regular walks in the park. Wells continues, “Good health and not being a fat, lazy latent homosexual is a good incentive for anyone trying to relinquish their antisocial virgin lives as hermits.”

CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) — President Hugo Chavez returned to his weekly radio and TV broadcast Sunday, extolling the ideals of socialist thinker Karl Marx and telling U.S. officials to “Go to hell!” for what he called unacceptable meddling in Venezuela’s affairs.

Chavez defended his government’s effort to establish a socialist model and rejected U.S. concerns over a measure to grant him broad lawmaking powers, saying: “Go to hell, gringos! Go Home!”

The U.S. aptly responded that, “We totally have no idea what Chavez is talking about. We’re totally over him. We’ve been involved with Nicaragua for like five months now. He’s [Chavez] just jealous and looking for attention. “

CALIFORNIA, Los Angeles Times – Art no longer imitates life when it comes to that standard television police scene in which a brave officer races after a bad guy fleeing down and alleyway: In Los Angeles County and other parts of the nation, individual cops are now discouraged from chasing many suspects who run.

Stung over the years by the risky violence that often results when officer and suspect finally come face to face, Los Angeles Country sheriff’s deputies are instead encouraged to radio for backup so others can help surround and capture the suspect. Deputies still may follow suspects on foot, but they must keep a safe distance until reinforcements arrive.

Many have speculated that the cessation of foot chases is an attempt to bolster the image of the police departments in question, seeing as all police officers are big, fat, heart-attack pending oinkers that only embarrass themselves (and law enforcement in general) by attempting to chase after criminals.

January 17, 2007

One down…

Filed under: Sports, News, TV, Humor — Eric @ 1:15 am

The Chargers lost their shot at the superbowl this Sunday, in case you weren’t aware, nerds. It was a pretty close game, though. I think what makes it worthwhile was LT’s sore loser-ness. And I further think that LT’s poor sporstmanship removes me from any responsibility for the prediction that I made about the Chargers.

Ok, I’ll come clean. The “prediction” that I made about the Chargers winning the superbowl wasn’t a prediction; it was a (good) guess. Plus, who cares about football? I know I don’t. Why would I want to waste my precious supernatural powers on the outcome of a game that nobody cares about, except for a few million people? It’s not worth it. I have bigger fish to fry.

Also,

Courtesy of Planet Bex

January 15, 2007

Ghetto Revival

Filed under: TV, Humor, Celebrity — Eric @ 10:21 pm

VH1– Brav-fucking-o. VH1 has hit an all-time low in reality television. Nobody thought that it could be done by anyone other than FOX. Oh, they were wrong.

How they did it:

The Surreal Life

A clusterfuck of celebrity has beens grouped together in house. Yup. That’s it.

Highlight: They go shopping for food. Oh, and that one guy that doesn’t like grape jelly throws a hissy fit.

Hogan Knows Best

Another reality show documenting a (rich) has been with his imbecilic family.

Highlight: Anytime the Hulk says “brother” or references one of his cheesy lines from when people cared about him and you overcome the feeling to commit suicide.

Celebrity Paranormal Project

This show documents “celebrities” being “scared” by “ghosts.” It’s pretty much for the celebrities too barren to be in their own reality show, and for those who don’t want to fall back into obscurity.

Highlight: Anytime the celebrity sweatily turns around to look for the assistant slamming doors.

I Love New York

Some ghetto fabulous bitch who thinks she’s all that, accompanied by a bunch of closeted homosexuals who want to “date” her. It’s fucking absurd.

Highlight: The whole show.

The (White) Rapper Show

Pretty much what it sounds like, except it works through masochism. This show is soo bad, I recommend you watch it. This is probably the reason I decided to waste minutes of my life writing about something that I disdain soo much yet can’t keep from watching.

Highlight: The rapper who keeps pushing for a “ghetto revival,” all while trying to convince himself that he understands what it means.

If you need a self-esteem booster, now you know where to turn to. Also, if you feel like you can’t hate enough (or think you can’t unconditionally hate something or someone), be ready to be proven wrong… very, very wrong.

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