Hung Like Huang

More like, global un-warming… with a heaping side of snow. If you’re in southern California today, April 20th, you know that it’s cold and raining/snowing (if you leave near a mountain/snow slug nest). If you’re in any other part of the country… um… you are also experiencing some type of weather or another. I don’t know, I tend not to care about the weather in any other part of the country, except for the one that I’m currently in, which of course, (mis)shapes my conception of crackpot theories(see title), and further, leads to a 20% increase in run-on sentences, liberal use of commas, and other such grammatical phenomena.

So with Earth Day coming up, I thought I would expound a little, and offer my liberal hippy friends (they’re not really my friends, I just like the smell of patchouli and the loose hippy chicks that like to get down) a suggestion about what they could protest, cuz lord knows they’ve run the fuck out of ideas. They’ve been bitching about trees, whales, war, and blacks since the 60’s. They need to get with da TiMez, son.

The idea? You guessed it, Global Cooling. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s freaking obvious the Earth isn’t getting hotter, and by that, I mean the weather in my hometown at this very second isn’t getting hotter. And just like celebrities concentrate on feeding the Ethiopians and adopting the Asians, and they forget about everybody else in the less exotic world, why not look over in the direction of those wishing for a nice, warm day today? Huh? Why not? Come on… COME ON… COME ON!!! You’d be pretty cool and hip for trying to raise awareness of the effects of Global Cooling in a town that nobody’s ever heard of, Madongelina Penn Baldwin.

What is soo global and warming about this picture, taken not but a mere seconds ago:

Yeah, that’s an elementary school.

Children need dirt and sand, not snow. You wouldn’t want to deprive the children from experiencing the wonders of the playground, would you? Get started, Earth-loving MoFos.

*Quick Note: Do you guys remember Jacob? Well, he ran the Boston Marathon! That’s right! Go read about his experience.

It appears Jackie Chan is starting his very own Chinese TV reality show. The theme? You guessed it, finding the next action movie hero. Titled the Disciple, Chan has already stated the criteria that he’s looking for:

“A lot of actors are good at fighting but (their style) is not beautiful, if you can incorporate dance with an ability to perform kung fu, that would be better.”

I’ve come up with some better titles for the show.

—So You Theenk-ah You Can Da-ance-ah, AND Speakah Boroken Engrish?

—[Unintenligible] (Instead of the title appearing at the beginning of every episode, Jackie Chan will just scream it. Not one word will be understood.)

—The Real Housewives of Orange County

—Chinese Eye for the Round Eye

So on and so forth…

No, Jackie Chan, you did that a long time ago.

Source

Heard of it? Interested in being credited as a producer? Do you have a dollar? If yes, then, what are waiting for?

The gist: A collaborative effort whose sole mean is to raise money for the Global Fund for Women under the guise of movie making. Meaning, your donation will give something back in return (other than that warm feeling you get when you give bums on the street change for “food”): A production credit that will put your name as “producer” in the IMDB. A myriad of celebrities have become producers, so we should totally follow suite. Maybe some of their artistic talent will rub off on us. Maybe.

As for the film? Well, there will be a film, but, like the title denotes, it will actually only be 1 second in length, 24 frames of animation, to be exact, followed by 90 minutes of credits. Now that’s fucking genius!

Here’s a video of Stephen Colbert legitimizing the project, so that IMDB would grant the producer credits to everyone that payed their $1:

Here’s another one, which includes the Colbert clip you just saw plus Pierce Brosnan, Steve Buscemi, Bob Odenkirk, Kevin Bacon, Tom Arnold, and Richard Edson.

In case you didn’t already know, Keith Richards used to snort whatever the fuck got in his path, back in the day. But I bet you didn’t know what the weirdest thing he ever snorted was.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father […] He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.“

That’s pretty insane. On the bright side, I bet he never leaves a mess wherever he goes.

It’s finally official… U2’s Bono is an asshole. I’ve never really had anything against U2’s music, but I’ve also never really liked it. And Bono has always looked like a conniving douche, but for reasons that I could never identify (although always wearing flagrantly fancy/hip sunglasses and referring to yourself by one name really helps)… until now.

This post isn’t about how much of a douche Bono is, though. It’s about what an asshole Bono is. The evidence? Right here.

You see, Bono thought it would be an excellent idea to spend 100 million, to only raise a measly 20 million for children with AIDS in Africa, through his Red Campaign. Now, I ain’t no mathematician rocket scientist 8 year old Clever Hans, but I’m pretty sure Bono would have been better off donating those 100 million Americans directly to the children in Africa. Now, I know that if he did that, nobody would have really found out about how much he cares about dying Africans. You see, if you’re a publicity whore like Bono, it makes absolute perfect sense to spend five times as much money telling everyone you care, than what you actually spend helping the people that you “care” about. As a gesture of gratitude, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Hey, Bono! Go fuck yourself!

This is what part of my routine might consist of:

(This was inspired by my Pomeranians—geniuses of the dog world, supposedly…)

No, but I like dogs. But it’s interesting when you encounter a “smart” dog. You ever do that? You’re with somebody and the fucking dog impresses them to the point of: “oh, you see that? Now thats an intelligent dog, right there.” Yeah. It’s fucking depressing, because when you hear somebody say that, you know immediately that that person is as dumb as the dog. Let me tell you something, dogs are not intelligent, smart, clever, or witty…ok, maybe they’re a little witty, given the right conditions… But that’s not the point.

A trained animal is not a “smart” animal. What it really is, is a dumb animal with technical abilities. It’s good for the resume, you know?

Skill: Sit, stay, lay, fetch, paw shake…

But let me put it to you this way… if dogs were capable of overcoming their thumb-less handicap, I could, literally, beat any dog in a game of chess, any day. That’s right. And I know what you’re thinking: “Chess? Well fuck, I don’t even know how to play chess…can’t expect a dog to do it.” And neither do I. But what remains true, is that a dog is indeed incapable of playing chess, irregardless of dexterity. I would win by default, on account of somebody eating the game pieces.

And let me just add, that no dog has ever, not one, in the history of dogs, been able to completely lick the peanut butter off of my penis… wait… let me finish… without bitting it. What kind of fucking retard licks the peanut butter off and thinks that it’s OK to bite?

The punchline was a little unexpected and crass, no? I imagine half of the disgusted audience either throwing crap at me, or just leaving.

The site was down for a few days (since Thursday), for reasons unknown to man (me). So that means that you all missed out on a pretty awesome St. Patrick’s day post, that I’m not going to post now, since the day already passed. You’ll have to wait until next year, when I blow everyones minds with a double-post. A dual post, if you will.

But anyway, let me fill you in on some of the specific stuffing that made the post “awesome.”

1. Naked chicks dressed as leprechauns drinking green beer from one another’s pots of gold… if you get my drift.

2. Leprechauns swimming in milliliters, upon milliliters of urine soaked (Curt) schillings.

3. A turtle eating a four leaf-clover

4. Bill O’Reilly fellating Conan O’Brien, all the while Rick Moranis directs Celtic Spring’s formation of a dancing-fiddling circle around the two.

5. … Um… well…

Yeah, I’ll stop there just to be nice. But those are only descriptions of about one tenth of the pictures that accompany the post… and they’re not even the half-decent ones, either.

You’re so hot you make me sweaty.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then that is my eye and I am that beholder.

Do your feet hurt? No? Well, they should. You’re in great shape, so you must do a lot of exercise involving your feet. That’s why I asked…

Is that a banana in your pocket, or do you have an erection for me?

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can practically make out the shape of a pocket mirror through your pants.

Damn, girl, you have more curves than an elephant.

Hey baby, drop that zero and get with this two.

Do you want to pray together?

If you were a nutritional supplement, you would be good for the body. But mostly good for the heart.

Quick Cow Fact #2: Despite popular belief, while cows may nap for short periods of time standing-up, prolonged sleep is always laying down in a prone position. Horses, on the other hand, only lay down when they are ill.