Hung Like Huang

Alapaha, GA. - Hogzilla, a near-mythical monster hog that roamed South Georgia, is about to get a little bigger. An independent filmmaker is producing a horror movie about the super swine called “The Legend of Hogzilla,” and has even enlisted the beast’s killer on the set as an adviser.

Lithium Productions says the production will need 200 locals for extras and is hosting tryouts next month.

“We don’t need professional actors… We need real people who are interested in the movie.” The producer continues, “in fact, we won’t be using animatronics or special-effects for hogzilla. We’ve already cast Rosie O’Donnell to play the beast.”

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — What do a plunger, a playpen, a jockstrap, fake plastic breasts, a pregnancy test and five pairs of underwear have in common?

They were among nearly 260, items of sometimes bizarre trash that either was left of washed up on New Jersey’s beaches last year. The total: about 40 tons.

State officials are worried that the decrease in trash this year may be an indication of the efficacy of birth control which, until recently, consisted of banana peels and rubber bands.

NYC– As the pet food recall reaches it’s six week anniversary, there have been nine more recalls in the past 24 hours, Menu Foods and ChemNutra are pointing the finger of blame at each other, the federal government has quarantined more than 6,000 hogs on farms in eight states and pet owners across the country are readying to participate in the nationwide march for pets organized by Pets Need A Voice Too to be held Saturday, April 28 in numerous cities.

Menu Foods, the company that began the nationwide pet food recall in mid- March with the call of nearly a 100 brands of wet canned and puched pet foods, totaling 60 million containers, has sued its supplier, ChemNutra, for allegedly sending contaminated wheat gluten to its plant in Emporia, Kansas.

The lawsuit has been filed in Lyon County District Court, against one Frisky McWhiskers.

The Independent, UK. If you are looking for a healthier life, get a dog. Scientist have long believed that the companionship of a pet can be good for you, but new research suggests that dog owners are physically healthier than cat owners.

So being sick sucks. My holiday vacation started on a high note, and the fun quickly waned as I found myself in bed with a pounding headache, stuffy nose, and a congested chest and cough that quickly proclaimed me Eric D., sea lion whisperer.

I’ve been trying to recoup by doing a lot of channel surfing, email checking, and chocolate truffle eating, but not one thing (not even in various combinations) has sufficed. That means that I plan on upping the ante (more VH1, more Scrubs weeks on Comedy Central) to aid my body laden with microbes whose only combatant is one big, giant dose of pop-culture meme-try.

For now, enjoy the news… with a twist!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska- After winning more protection for polar bears, a conservation group is pressuring the U.S. government to keep the North Pacific right whale from going extinct. The whales are the most endangered in the world.

Upon hearing of the conservation group’s fervor for the right whale, the left whale group activists called foul play for getting such little attention. A North Pacific right whale spokesman responded: “Fuck those hippies.”

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga.- If you think kids are picky, try feeding a giant panda.

It takes four full-time bamboo hunters at Zoo Atlanta to satisfy the palates of the zoo’s panda pair, Lun Lun and Yang Yang. And they are not always successful.

The animals’ diet consists almost entirely of bamboo, but they will eat only about 20 of the 200 or so species that grow in Georgia. What type they like also varies by the time of year. Sometimes the pandas will eat nothing but one variety for a week, then refuse to eat it anymore. (Sound familiar, parents?)

In other news, giant panda beatings in Georgia are up 70% since last year.

(AHN) - Following the announcement by entertainment giant Walt Disney Co., the Universal Studios’ theme parks have also changed their menu to a more healthier one by eliminating unhealthy trans fats from many junk-food favorites. The healthy menu has reportedly been adopted at its three domestic attractions in California and Florida.

The exchange for healthier food has given thousands of obese people no other choice but to stick to local carnivals and miniature golf courses, just like we all hoped for.

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — The new president of the University of Texas says he will appoint a panel to decide what to do with four bronze statues on the Austin campus that honor confederate leaders and have drawn complaints for several years.

William Powers Jr., who took over as president this month, said the advisory committee would look into concerns about the statues, which include likenesses of Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States, and Gen. Robert E. Lee.

“A lot of students, and especially minority students, have raised concerns. And those are understandable and legitimate concerns. On the other hand, the statues have been here for a long time, and that’s something we have to take into account as well,” Powers said in Wednesday’s Austin American-Statesman.

Powers added, “You know, they [the statues] have been here since before those Negroes had rights. Why would anybody want to forget such a good thing? You’re not quoting me on this, right? […] We should probably get rid of the statues, in my egalitarian opinion. I am not racist. Quote me on that, spic.”

TAMPA, Fla. — The Homeland Security Department sent a letter apologizing to a Muslim woman who was detained at the Tampa airport and strip searched at a county jail.

Safana Jawad, 45, a Spanish citizen who was born in Iraq, was detained on April 11 because of a suspected tie to a suspicious person, authorities said. She was held for two days before being deported to England.

Jawad filed a complaint, and the agency apologized in a letter dated Dec. 8.

“On behalf of the Department of Homeland Security, I offer you my sincere apology for having to undergo a strip search. We further apologize for the hooting, hollering, and the dollar singles that were flung in your direction,” wrote Timothy J. Keefer, acting chief counsel for the department’s Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties.

Germans trying to out due Americans in crazy antics dictated by alcoholism:

Hilarious

An anonymous entity sent in to us a sighting of a Chupacabra. You can check it out at the sightings page.

On a related note, Congress passed a bill today which requires the vernacular of children to substitute the use of the word “boogeyman” with Chupacabra, The Chupacabra, Chupi, The Chupi, or Sir Chomps-A-lot.

The decision comes after several years of debate and evasion of the subject. Earlier today, Majority leader Nancy Pelosy pointed out that it would be best for children to be afraid of real monsters rather than mythical monsters. Pelosy explains, “the idea of having our children deathly afraid of a non-existent monster, or boogeyperson is hogwash. As rational adults, we need to send a message to our children, in terms of reality.”

Pelosy concluded, “their fears should be predicated on actuality, and not some unsubstantiated urban legend.”

Her pleasure condoms have long been revered by men as the condom of choice to please the (infinitely) dissatisfied woman. It is no wonder there has been an increase in sales of said condom. The secret behind the ‘her pleasure’ condom is in the incorporation of ridges. The ridges give that added stimulation that most men cannot offer. Similarly, there has also been an increase in the number of men getting circumcised as adults. This increase in “her pleasure” condom sales is tied in to the condoms’ true purpose: the ridges on the condom are aimed at simulating the uncircumcised penis. Otto von Schlick, a known anti-Semite, attributes this increase in circumcisions– von Schlick prefers “desecration of wieners” to circumcision– to society’s desire to be more like those “rat-like, money grubbing, Jesus killing faggots.” However, in spite of such unfortunate circumstances, von Schlick takes solace in knowing that his “non-Jew demeanor” will help him with women, and ultimately, the procreation of “non -Jew babies.” “With all this extra skin on my dick, I’ll be getting all the bitches,” he concluded.

Update: Shortly after this was posted, Mr. von Schlick retracted his comments. When asked why, von Schlick stated not being in a correct state of mind as he had been drinking alcohol prior to being quoted.