Hung Like Huang

So being sick sucks. My holiday vacation started on a high note, and the fun quickly waned as I found myself in bed with a pounding headache, stuffy nose, and a congested chest and cough that quickly proclaimed me Eric D., sea lion whisperer.

I’ve been trying to recoup by doing a lot of channel surfing, email checking, and chocolate truffle eating, but not one thing (not even in various combinations) has sufficed. That means that I plan on upping the ante (more VH1, more Scrubs weeks on Comedy Central) to aid my body laden with microbes whose only combatant is one big, giant dose of pop-culture meme-try.

For now, enjoy the news… with a twist!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska- After winning more protection for polar bears, a conservation group is pressuring the U.S. government to keep the North Pacific right whale from going extinct. The whales are the most endangered in the world.

Upon hearing of the conservation group’s fervor for the right whale, the left whale group activists called foul play for getting such little attention. A North Pacific right whale spokesman responded: “Fuck those hippies.”

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga.- If you think kids are picky, try feeding a giant panda.

It takes four full-time bamboo hunters at Zoo Atlanta to satisfy the palates of the zoo’s panda pair, Lun Lun and Yang Yang. And they are not always successful.

The animals’ diet consists almost entirely of bamboo, but they will eat only about 20 of the 200 or so species that grow in Georgia. What type they like also varies by the time of year. Sometimes the pandas will eat nothing but one variety for a week, then refuse to eat it anymore. (Sound familiar, parents?)

In other news, giant panda beatings in Georgia are up 70% since last year.

(AHN) - Following the announcement by entertainment giant Walt Disney Co., the Universal Studios’ theme parks have also changed their menu to a more healthier one by eliminating unhealthy trans fats from many junk-food favorites. The healthy menu has reportedly been adopted at its three domestic attractions in California and Florida.

The exchange for healthier food has given thousands of obese people no other choice but to stick to local carnivals and miniature golf courses, just like we all hoped for.

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — The new president of the University of Texas says he will appoint a panel to decide what to do with four bronze statues on the Austin campus that honor confederate leaders and have drawn complaints for several years.

William Powers Jr., who took over as president this month, said the advisory committee would look into concerns about the statues, which include likenesses of Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States, and Gen. Robert E. Lee.

“A lot of students, and especially minority students, have raised concerns. And those are understandable and legitimate concerns. On the other hand, the statues have been here for a long time, and that’s something we have to take into account as well,” Powers said in Wednesday’s Austin American-Statesman.

Powers added, “You know, they [the statues] have been here since before those Negroes had rights. Why would anybody want to forget such a good thing? You’re not quoting me on this, right? […] We should probably get rid of the statues, in my egalitarian opinion. I am not racist. Quote me on that, spic.”

TAMPA, Fla. — The Homeland Security Department sent a letter apologizing to a Muslim woman who was detained at the Tampa airport and strip searched at a county jail.

Safana Jawad, 45, a Spanish citizen who was born in Iraq, was detained on April 11 because of a suspected tie to a suspicious person, authorities said. She was held for two days before being deported to England.

Jawad filed a complaint, and the agency apologized in a letter dated Dec. 8.

“On behalf of the Department of Homeland Security, I offer you my sincere apology for having to undergo a strip search. We further apologize for the hooting, hollering, and the dollar singles that were flung in your direction,” wrote Timothy J. Keefer, acting chief counsel for the department’s Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties.

Germans trying to out due Americans in crazy antics dictated by alcoholism:

Hilarious

I recently caught up with Carlos Mencia as he shopped for clothes at A&F. We talked a lot. Here’s what the rising star had to say.

HungLikeHuang: Hey, first of all, thanks for giving me the opportunity to do this. I hope I am not keeping you away from anything important.

Carlos Mencia: No, just shopping for the fall season.

HLH:I heard you’ve been up to a lot lately, is that right?

CM: Yeah, actually I have been doing quite a lot. I just finished my second season of Mind of Mencia, so I am getting started on “new” material for next season. It’s really hard to push the same old tired jokes about race, religion, and retards; but especially about race. It’s really hard to be offensive and not funny, you know? Not everybody can yell out “beaner” or “nigger” as well as I can.

HLH: Yeah, I here ya. Like, seriously, how do you do it?

CM: Well it’s really not that hard, I probably exaggerated a little bit. I mean, because, it’s really easy not relating to any of the people that I make fun of. Since my real name is Ned Holness, I knew I had to do something about that if I wanted it to work. Ever since I could remember, I’ve liked saying the word beaner and making racist jokes. I knew that I had to deceive the general public. You have to make them believe you’re one of them in order for it to work. And so, Carlos was perfect for that. It’s been butter ever since. I’m starting a new trend, I think.

HLH: Oh, your real name is Ned? I never knew that.

CM: Yeah, not many people know that.

HLH: But you were probably born in Mexico then since you associate yourself with beaners.

CM: Well actually, I’m half Honduran and half German. But that’s what makes my comedy edgy and funny. That’s why beaners like me so much; I tell it like it is.

HLH: How did you decide to get into standup comedy?

CM: I was always really good at making my friends laugh with my ability to stereotype. Like whenever I would be around my friends and a black guy walked by, I would say something to the effect of: “Oh, I bet that black guy just stole something.” Something I still use on Mind. Plus it’s really easy ripping and reworking Dave Chappell’s material. I took his time slot, why not his material? So what if I don’t understand satire?

HLH: You have a lot of critics out there that say you’re just a guy who makes racist comments. A guy who isn’t even a half-decent standup comedian. A guy who is considered, by many, a plagiarist. A guy with, almost, obsessively narrow material. In short, you’re considered a hack. How do you respond to your critics?

CM: All I have to say is that nobody understands beaners. Anybody who says that is either racist, or a retard. People dislike me and make up rumors about me because of my poor delivery style and awful jokes. I’m not very good at what I do. But I do know one thing, and that is that people love me.

HLH: Thanks for your time.

CM: No prob. Wanna hang?

HLH: No.

CM: Beaner.