Hung Like Huang

This is absolutely great. When comedians run out of writers to depend on for their jokes, they resort to riffing off of each other. The very fundamentals of improv are at work here:

I usually don’t watch Oprah. (Question: Can a straight guy’s blog entry ever be prefaced in such a manner, that his straightitude isn’t taken down a notch to “Would you like a purse to go along with your appletini?” on the straightness chart?) I really don’t. Ever. Ahem. But I came across it yesterday, it was one of those episodes where she gives thousands of dollars worth of gifts to her audience; it was an Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode. Oh yeah.

What’s fascinating about Oprah’s show is; one, her catering to a very, very well defined sector in American society, mostly white, upper-middle class bourgeois women; and two, is Oprah’s ability to bring out the most primordial, completely uninhibited desires of these women to life, their incessant and rabid appetite for things they don’t really need.

It really is like some sort of social experiment. It’s like Candid Camera, minus the candid, with a hint of crazy and a dash progesterone. These women go completely out of their fucking minds when they realize they’re getting free shit. COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS! I’m surprised I didn’t see women literally exploding from their inability to contain their excitement:

The hosted video was deleted, so just click here.

On the other hand, they did get some pretty sweet gifts. Sweet.So maybe these women have a right to act like complete lunatics.
What I wouldn’t give to be in that audience. What? Shut up. Free shit, dude! FREE SHIT! Whatever…

Here’s everything they got:

Hopefully, most of you who watch television are aware of the writers strikes that have been going on. Tons of shows have been affected. To name a few: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Lost, The Office, 24, the late nights (Connan, Leno, Letterman, etc.),Desperate Housewives, SNL, Scrubs.

Depending on how long these strikes go on for, it can be weeks to months before we ever get to see new episodes of our favorite shows. “Awww…but from where will I get my worldly view of current events (with a sarcastic twist), if I can’t watch John Stewart make faces while he squirms in his chair?” Thankfully, most movie studios have loads of unread scripts stacked in their closets, meaning they can pump out tired storylines for the next year or two. Yay!

If you’re still lost about what’s going on, I’ll give you the lowdown. Essentially, writers want to get paid for what they write. With the emergence of the internet and webcasts of tv programs, along with the staggering growth of DVD sales, writer’s are shutout from making a single cent on what is being deemed “new technology,” the internet and to a different degree, DVDs (the DVD demands are to better the poor, barely livable residuals that writers get now). But watch or download—the legal way, of course—any episode or season of your favorite show, and you come to find that it’s not free of advertisement or (monetary) cost to those that watch.

Still lost? John Stewart can pragmatically explain:

If the AMPTP remains steadfast in their reluctance to meet the writers’ demands, they’re looking at losing hundreds of millions of dollars in a very short time. For my television craving’s sake, let’s hope the strike doesn’t bleed into ‘08.

I’m pretty sure the more famous you get, the more likely you’ll have stalkers. But what happens when you’re Conan O’Brien? Well, it turns out you get the craziest of all stalkers, a delusional clergyman. According to some news source, for the past 14 months, O’Brien (along with his parents) has been accosted by an insane priest who has sent numerous letters and emails asking O’Brien for a “public confession.” Pretty weird.

The priest, Reverand David Ajemian, has even gone as far trying to break into O’Brien’s tapings. After having been denied access, the possesed priest sent O’Brien another letter:

“Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans?”

Why would anybody want to stalk a somewhat obscure celebrity whose only crimes have been to stir a ruckus in the bear community (remember the masturbating bear??) ? Leave the Conebone alone. Go stalk somebody annoying, like Hillary Duff or Spencer Pratt.

More like, global un-warming… with a heaping side of snow. If you’re in southern California today, April 20th, you know that it’s cold and raining/snowing (if you leave near a mountain/snow slug nest). If you’re in any other part of the country… um… you are also experiencing some type of weather or another. I don’t know, I tend not to care about the weather in any other part of the country, except for the one that I’m currently in, which of course, (mis)shapes my conception of crackpot theories(see title), and further, leads to a 20% increase in run-on sentences, liberal use of commas, and other such grammatical phenomena.

So with Earth Day coming up, I thought I would expound a little, and offer my liberal hippy friends (they’re not really my friends, I just like the smell of patchouli and the loose hippy chicks that like to get down) a suggestion about what they could protest, cuz lord knows they’ve run the fuck out of ideas. They’ve been bitching about trees, whales, war, and blacks since the 60’s. They need to get with da TiMez, son.

The idea? You guessed it, Global Cooling. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s freaking obvious the Earth isn’t getting hotter, and by that, I mean the weather in my hometown at this very second isn’t getting hotter. And just like celebrities concentrate on feeding the Ethiopians and adopting the Asians, and they forget about everybody else in the less exotic world, why not look over in the direction of those wishing for a nice, warm day today? Huh? Why not? Come on… COME ON… COME ON!!! You’d be pretty cool and hip for trying to raise awareness of the effects of Global Cooling in a town that nobody’s ever heard of, Madongelina Penn Baldwin.

What is soo global and warming about this picture, taken not but a mere seconds ago:

Yeah, that’s an elementary school.

Children need dirt and sand, not snow. You wouldn’t want to deprive the children from experiencing the wonders of the playground, would you? Get started, Earth-loving MoFos.

*Quick Note: Do you guys remember Jacob? Well, he ran the Boston Marathon! That’s right! Go read about his experience.

It appears Jackie Chan is starting his very own Chinese TV reality show. The theme? You guessed it, finding the next action movie hero. Titled the Disciple, Chan has already stated the criteria that he’s looking for:

“A lot of actors are good at fighting but (their style) is not beautiful, if you can incorporate dance with an ability to perform kung fu, that would be better.”

I’ve come up with some better titles for the show.

—So You Theenk-ah You Can Da-ance-ah, AND Speakah Boroken Engrish?

—[Unintenligible] (Instead of the title appearing at the beginning of every episode, Jackie Chan will just scream it. Not one word will be understood.)

—The Real Housewives of Orange County

—Chinese Eye for the Round Eye

So on and so forth…

No, Jackie Chan, you did that a long time ago.

Source

Heard of it? Interested in being credited as a producer? Do you have a dollar? If yes, then, what are waiting for?

The gist: A collaborative effort whose sole mean is to raise money for the Global Fund for Women under the guise of movie making. Meaning, your donation will give something back in return (other than that warm feeling you get when you give bums on the street change for “food”): A production credit that will put your name as “producer” in the IMDB. A myriad of celebrities have become producers, so we should totally follow suite. Maybe some of their artistic talent will rub off on us. Maybe.

As for the film? Well, there will be a film, but, like the title denotes, it will actually only be 1 second in length, 24 frames of animation, to be exact, followed by 90 minutes of credits. Now that’s fucking genius!

Here’s a video of Stephen Colbert legitimizing the project, so that IMDB would grant the producer credits to everyone that payed their $1:

Here’s another one, which includes the Colbert clip you just saw plus Pierce Brosnan, Steve Buscemi, Bob Odenkirk, Kevin Bacon, Tom Arnold, and Richard Edson.

In case you didn’t already know, Keith Richards used to snort whatever the fuck got in his path, back in the day. But I bet you didn’t know what the weirdest thing he ever snorted was.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father […] He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.“

That’s pretty insane. On the bright side, I bet he never leaves a mess wherever he goes.

It’s finally official… U2’s Bono is an asshole. I’ve never really had anything against U2’s music, but I’ve also never really liked it. And Bono has always looked like a conniving douche, but for reasons that I could never identify (although always wearing flagrantly fancy/hip sunglasses and referring to yourself by one name really helps)… until now.

This post isn’t about how much of a douche Bono is, though. It’s about what an asshole Bono is. The evidence? Right here.

You see, Bono thought it would be an excellent idea to spend 100 million, to only raise a measly 20 million for children with AIDS in Africa, through his Red Campaign. Now, I ain’t no mathematician rocket scientist 8 year old Clever Hans, but I’m pretty sure Bono would have been better off donating those 100 million Americans directly to the children in Africa. Now, I know that if he did that, nobody would have really found out about how much he cares about dying Africans. You see, if you’re a publicity whore like Bono, it makes absolute perfect sense to spend five times as much money telling everyone you care, than what you actually spend helping the people that you “care” about. As a gesture of gratitude, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Hey, Bono! Go fuck yourself!

The site was down for a few days (since Thursday), for reasons unknown to man (me). So that means that you all missed out on a pretty awesome St. Patrick’s day post, that I’m not going to post now, since the day already passed. You’ll have to wait until next year, when I blow everyones minds with a double-post. A dual post, if you will.

But anyway, let me fill you in on some of the specific stuffing that made the post “awesome.”

1. Naked chicks dressed as leprechauns drinking green beer from one another’s pots of gold… if you get my drift.

2. Leprechauns swimming in milliliters, upon milliliters of urine soaked (Curt) schillings.

3. A turtle eating a four leaf-clover

4. Bill O’Reilly fellating Conan O’Brien, all the while Rick Moranis directs Celtic Spring’s formation of a dancing-fiddling circle around the two.

5. … Um… well…

Yeah, I’ll stop there just to be nice. But those are only descriptions of about one tenth of the pictures that accompany the post… and they’re not even the half-decent ones, either.