Hung Like Huang

What happens when readers of the blog get tired of waiting around for updates? They write their own posts. Then they email ‘em to you.
This one sat in my inbox for a few days, until its recent discovery:

Subject:English Language Observation

I was thinking some thoughts the other day (well, today but “the other day” sounds more story-esque). Anywhozer, I was pondering one of the English language’s strangest phenomena. IT is one word, but it is a word that could change your life.

Haunches.

Now, I don’t know about you (except from what I know from your blogs) but to me, haunches serves only one purpose: For rabbits to sit on. Rabbits sit on their haunches. Have you ever heard haunches used in ANY other context? NO! There is no other context. Haunches are rabbits’ chairs. I have a theory on this. It’s all an anti-thumb conspiracy. Now before you dismiss this as utter tomfoolery (that doesn’t fit the context, but it sounds good so I’m using it, dammit!), hear me out. What are haunches really? Hind legs! Not just any legs. Legs of the hind variety. Having “hind” legs implies that you also have front legs. If you have hind legs and front legs, do you have arms? No. If you have no arms, do you have hands? No. And if you have no hands and you have no arms, what can you also not have? THUMBS! Those sly rabbits are using this “haunches” bull crap to hid the fact that they are inferior to the thumbed species. So please, speak with your local librarian or other word official and promptly tell them the “Haunches Conspiracy” and bitch-slap their kidneys if they argue. You will be doing the right thing.

Your

number 20.. wait…20 is too low. I need something higher, but that makes me sound pompous. Scratch that 20 stuff.

Your not

quite the best, but still high up there fan,

Kevin

So, if you feel like the blog is missing something, email your suggestion to me so that I can not read it for the next, lets say, three months.

Possibly the most admired and sought after cars, by many, are German cars: BMW, Mercedes, Audi, and the poor man’s equivalent, the Volkswagen. I have no beef with any of the former, because I don’t have any of thems, so I can’t. I do have a VW, though. *Gasp* Yes, you can gasp all you want, but I was a dumb kid with huge dreams when I bought my Passat. I didn’t know that, although decent looking and good running, they would be so prone to falling apart at a moment’s notice.

Neither did I know, that fixing the most minimal of problems, would cost me my manginity large amounts of money. Very large amounts of money. Amounts so large, that if I began dictating past and current bills, along with estimates, you would flee from your room.

But hey, I’m a pretty handy guy. I can probably just fix whatever is wrong with it, right? Wrong! WRONG!!! It’s a fucking joke trying to fix anything on that stupid car. The whole car is composed of shenanigans attached to tomfoolery with copious amounts of rascality. Did any of that make sense? Sure it didn’t, but neither does the car. Lucky for you, I found a transcript, translated from German, showing just how easily one can germinate the seed of fucking crazy.

Hanz: We should make a car.

Auto: Yes. Let’s do it!

Hanz: Where should we start?

Auto: We’ll need one tiger, two toilet paper dispensers, a baby, a fork, ten dragon toes,…

Hanz: Wait! Wait just one minute. What the hell are you talking about?! That doesn’t make any sense!

Auto: Exactly!

Hanz: I see… A car built on the nonsensical. I like it! What shall we call this contraption?

Auto: The people’s car, of course… Volkswagen.

Hanz: Summon the spider monkeys!

And thus, the money pit in my driveway was born.

Facts about being a VW owner:

• The 1997 VW Passat does not contain a glove box; it contains a pencil nook/ elbow rest.
• In the German language, there is no word for reliability.
• “I just fixed the A/C on my VW.” No you didn’t.
• When in a VW, if you can see it or touch it, chances are… it’s already broken.
• “What’s that sound? Dude, I think you’re dragging something.” Oh, yeah, the car does that every other hour, give or take a German minute.
• The VW emblem on the front grill encourages animal suicide.
• Replacing the battery requires a passport, a good map of Ecuador, and a box of condoms. The lube is optional.
• You think to yourself, “maybe I should have bought that Daewoo instead.”
• Your friends will always offer to drive their cars, even if they don’t have a car.
• KABLOOSHHH!!!!

On a side note, check out the pilot of a new HBO show, “Flight of the Conchords.”

Me: Is listening to Matisyahu cool?

Friend: No.

Me: Is listening to Matisyahul on your ipod in your closet when there’s nobody within a ten mile radius cool?

Friend: Dude, it’s not like it makes you gay if you listen to them.

Me: Him, not them.

Friend: Oh, yeah, then it definitely makes you gay.