Hung Like Huang

April 29, 2007

In the News

Filed under: Fake News, News, Humor — Eric @ 1:15 am

Alapaha, GA. - Hogzilla, a near-mythical monster hog that roamed South Georgia, is about to get a little bigger. An independent filmmaker is producing a horror movie about the super swine called “The Legend of Hogzilla,” and has even enlisted the beast’s killer on the set as an adviser.

Lithium Productions says the production will need 200 locals for extras and is hosting tryouts next month.

“We don’t need professional actors… We need real people who are interested in the movie.” The producer continues, “in fact, we won’t be using animatronics or special-effects for hogzilla. We’ve already cast Rosie O’Donnell to play the beast.”

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. — What do a plunger, a playpen, a jockstrap, fake plastic breasts, a pregnancy test and five pairs of underwear have in common?

They were among nearly 260, items of sometimes bizarre trash that either was left of washed up on New Jersey’s beaches last year. The total: about 40 tons.

State officials are worried that the decrease in trash this year may be an indication of the efficacy of birth control which, until recently, consisted of banana peels and rubber bands.

NYC– As the pet food recall reaches it’s six week anniversary, there have been nine more recalls in the past 24 hours, Menu Foods and ChemNutra are pointing the finger of blame at each other, the federal government has quarantined more than 6,000 hogs on farms in eight states and pet owners across the country are readying to participate in the nationwide march for pets organized by Pets Need A Voice Too to be held Saturday, April 28 in numerous cities.

Menu Foods, the company that began the nationwide pet food recall in mid- March with the call of nearly a 100 brands of wet canned and puched pet foods, totaling 60 million containers, has sued its supplier, ChemNutra, for allegedly sending contaminated wheat gluten to its plant in Emporia, Kansas.

The lawsuit has been filed in Lyon County District Court, against one Frisky McWhiskers.

April 24, 2007

Joke of the Week*

Filed under: News, Humor — Eric @ 2:39 am

Russian #1: Boris Yeltsin died today.

Russian # 2: I wonder how he’ll spin that.

Russian # 3 runs up to #1 and 2.

Russian # 3: Did you guys hear? Boris Yeltsin conquered death!

*It’s not funny if you have to explain it, so I won’t.

April 20, 2007

Global Warming?

Filed under: News, Humor, Celebrity, Uncategorized — Eric @ 10:02 pm

More like, global un-warming… with a heaping side of snow. If you’re in southern California today, April 20th, you know that it’s cold and raining/snowing (if you leave near a mountain/snow slug nest). If you’re in any other part of the country… um… you are also experiencing some type of weather or another. I don’t know, I tend not to care about the weather in any other part of the country, except for the one that I’m currently in, which of course, (mis)shapes my conception of crackpot theories(see title), and further, leads to a 20% increase in run-on sentences, liberal use of commas, and other such grammatical phenomena.

So with Earth Day coming up, I thought I would expound a little, and offer my liberal hippy friends (they’re not really my friends, I just like the smell of patchouli and the loose hippy chicks that like to get down) a suggestion about what they could protest, cuz lord knows they’ve run the fuck out of ideas. They’ve been bitching about trees, whales, war, and blacks since the 60’s. They need to get with da TiMez, son.

The idea? You guessed it, Global Cooling. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s freaking obvious the Earth isn’t getting hotter, and by that, I mean the weather in my hometown at this very second isn’t getting hotter. And just like celebrities concentrate on feeding the Ethiopians and adopting the Asians, and they forget about everybody else in the less exotic world, why not look over in the direction of those wishing for a nice, warm day today? Huh? Why not? Come on… COME ON… COME ON!!! You’d be pretty cool and hip for trying to raise awareness of the effects of Global Cooling in a town that nobody’s ever heard of, Madongelina Penn Baldwin.

What is soo global and warming about this picture, taken not but a mere seconds ago:

baldyElementary

Yeah, that’s an elementary school.

Children need dirt and sand, not snow. You wouldn’t want to deprive the children from experiencing the wonders of the playground, would you? Get started, Earth-loving MoFos.

*Quick Note: Do you guys remember Jacob? Well, he ran the Boston Marathon! That’s right! Go read about his experience.

April 16, 2007

So it goes.

Filed under: News, TV, Rant, Uncategorized — Eric @ 7:34 pm

Some lucky and privileged few of you may see the irony in the title—you probably know who this pertains to and/or have read Slaughterhouse-five. While the rest of you only know that you’ve maybe, probably heard that phrase somewhere, sometime. The phrase comes from the recently deceased, writer/novelist/humanist/awesome human being, Kurt Vonnegut.

Alas, this post is not about the influence one has had on another (me), but of the innate ability that many of us have to find humor in tragedy. I awoke this morning to the ever annoying, but always drawing babble of Good Day L.A.—the yapping will make your ears bleed, but it gets you the fuck out of bed—which was, strangely, reporting news, and not some celebrity scandal or half-assed attempt at the weather report. Nope. Not this time. Good Day LA had cried wolf on too many occasions so I decided to not bother with their reporting.

To continue, I sat up with one blood-shot eye realizing how busy I’ve not only been, but have truly enjoyed being for the past two months. I had managed to do the impossible: watched no more than two hours of television a night, used the internet for email and to feed my baby(this site). To put it grossly, I had separated myself from the real world (of pop-culture). But I got up from bed this morning to a show that I rarely pay attention to, and decide to surf the web to find out that the awesome Vonnegut died a few days ago, Virginia Tech was hit by a crazed gunman this morning, and the daily newsletter that I unsubscribed to three weeks ago, which I never subscribed to, to begin with, was still flooding me with their crap.

Sigh. Depressing, I know. If there are any starving African kids out there, you’re fucking lucky. At least you all know your fates: lay dying with a fermenting stomach, or be adopted by a self-righteous celebrity. In any case, sadly, nobody will truly ever care about you. No, not even UNICEF. Maybe God is trying to tell me to stay the fuck off the computer and keep from watching crappy television. I don’t know. What I do know for sure, though, is how angering it can be knowing that no matter how hard you work to try and better yourself, somewhere out there, there is some lazy, self-loathing, pathetic soul playing Counter-Strike thinking to themselves how cool it would be to shoot everyone they hate. I can’t think of an anymore feeble attempt at trying to transcend your problems. Anybody can go out and kill everyone that’s making their life “miserable” and take their own life while they’re at it. Not very impressive, chimp-shit. Yeah, life sucks, but you don’t fucking quite. The day you do that, you put yourself out of your own misery. There is no gun-smoke glory.

Excuse me. I’m sorry for sounding so angry, but why the fuck do I keep getting this damn health newsletter? LoLeRrZz!

For providing me, and many others, with such eloquent insight into the intricacies of life, thank you, Kurt.

“If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.”

-Kurt Vonnegut

April 9, 2007

Jackie Chan wants you, dancing weenies!

Filed under: News, TV, Movies, Humor, Celebrity — Eric @ 10:41 pm

It appears Jackie Chan is starting his very own Chinese TV reality show. The theme? You guessed it, finding the next action movie hero. Titled the Disciple, Chan has already stated the criteria that he’s looking for:

A lot of actors are good at fighting but (their style) is not beautiful, if you can incorporate dance with an ability to perform kung fu, that would be better.

I’ve come up with some better titles for the show.

So You Theenk-ah You Can Da-ance-ah, AND Speakah Boroken Engrish?

[Unintenligible] (Instead of the title appearing at the beginning of every episode, Jackie Chan will just scream it. Not one word will be understood.)

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Chinese Eye for the Round Eye

So on and so forth…

Chan

No, Jackie Chan, you did that a long time ago.

Source

April 5, 2007

The 1 Second Film

Filed under: News, Movies, Humor, Celebrity — Eric @ 6:16 pm

Heard of it? Interested in being credited as a producer? Do you have a dollar? If yes, then, what are waiting for?

The gist: A collaborative effort whose sole mean is to raise money for the Global Fund for Women under the guise of movie making. Meaning, your donation will give something back in return (other than that warm feeling you get when you give bums on the street change for “food”): A production credit that will put your name as “producer” in the IMDB. A myriad of celebrities have become producers, so we should totally follow suite. Maybe some of their artistic talent will rub off on us. Maybe.

As for the film? Well, there will be a film, but, like the title denotes, it will actually only be 1 second in length, 24 frames of animation, to be exact, followed by 90 minutes of credits. Now that’s fucking genius!

Here’s a video of Stephen Colbert legitimizing the project, so that IMDB would grant the producer credits to everyone that payed their $1:

Here’s another one, which includes the Colbert clip you just saw plus Pierce Brosnan, Steve Buscemi, Bob Odenkirk, Kevin Bacon, Tom Arnold, and Richard Edson.

April 3, 2007

Keith Richards used to be a Hoover

Filed under: News, Music, Humor, Celebrity — Eric @ 9:51 pm

In case you didn’t already know, Keith Richards used to snort whatever the fuck got in his path, back in the day. But I bet you didn’t know what the weirdest thing he ever snorted was.

The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father […] He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.

That’s pretty insane. On the bright side, I bet he never leaves a mess wherever he goes.Keith Richards

Powered by WordPress