Hung Like Huang

This is what part of my routine might consist of:

(This was inspired by my Pomeranians—geniuses of the dog world, supposedly…)

No, but I like dogs. But it’s interesting when you encounter a “smart” dog. You ever do that? You’re with somebody and the fucking dog impresses them to the point of: “oh, you see that? Now thats an intelligent dog, right there.” Yeah. It’s fucking depressing, because when you hear somebody say that, you know immediately that that person is as dumb as the dog. Let me tell you something, dogs are not intelligent, smart, clever, or witty…ok, maybe they’re a little witty, given the right conditions… But that’s not the point.

A trained animal is not a “smart” animal. What it really is, is a dumb animal with technical abilities. It’s good for the resume, you know?

Skill: Sit, stay, lay, fetch, paw shake…

But let me put it to you this way… if dogs were capable of overcoming their thumb-less handicap, I could, literally, beat any dog in a game of chess, any day. That’s right. And I know what you’re thinking: “Chess? Well fuck, I don’t even know how to play chess…can’t expect a dog to do it.” And neither do I. But what remains true, is that a dog is indeed incapable of playing chess, irregardless of dexterity. I would win by default, on account of somebody eating the game pieces.

And let me just add, that no dog has ever, not one, in the history of dogs, been able to completely lick the peanut butter off of my penis… wait… let me finish… without bitting it. What kind of fucking retard licks the peanut butter off and thinks that it’s OK to bite?

The punchline was a little unexpected and crass, no? I imagine half of the disgusted audience either throwing crap at me, or just leaving.