Cow Rape Isn’t Funny
Quick Cow Fact #2: Despite popular belief, while cows may nap for short periods of time standing-up, prolonged sleep is always laying down in a prone position. Horses, on the other hand, only lay down when they are ill.
February 27, 2007
February 23, 2007
Battles of the Century
Everybody knows that most celebrities have a TV character based off of their likeness. Either that, or Hollywood has a machine capable of producing cartoon characters in the form of humans. The latter is the most likely possibility, if I use logic and my fundamental Christian beliefs. So have you ever thought about what would happen if both worlds converged? Battles of epic proportions, that’s what.
It would probably be one big Don King involucred pay-per-view event, at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Michael Buffer would be announcing, no doubt. Luckily for us, it would be spliced into 10 minute segments on YouTube, and with hilarious dissections on YouTubeRoast, within minutes of the event.
Fight 1: Zorak (Space Ghost) vs. Larry King
VS.
Fight 2: The Headless Horsemen (avec head) vs. Britney Spears (sans hair)
VS.
Fight 3: Jabba the Hut vs. Rosie O’donnell
VS.
Fight 4: Peter Pan vs. Michael Jackson
VS.
Fight 5: Skeletor vs. Cameron Diaz
VS.
Fight 6: Doug Heffernan (The King of Queens) vs. Kevin James
VS.
Fight 7: To be continued…
February 17, 2007
You Went Bankrupt for A Reason Trivia
I just found this out, but it’s pretty old news.
What rapper not only bought gold chains for his 4 rottweilers, but also installed a dishwasher in his bedroom to clean up after midnight snacks?
Answer:
February 14, 2007
February 12, 2007
Big Ups, California Cow
Quick Cow Fact #1: Did you know the average California cow produces over 19,000 gallons of milk per year? That’s more milk per cow than any other state in the nation!
February 6, 2007
Blaxploitation Month
So February is finally here, again, for like the billionth time. And with it, comes Black History Month. BHM is one of the weirdest months of the year. This is the only time of year during which all the racists come out of their closets. From the annoyingly uptight conservative in your high school English class, to your state governors.
The former will whine: “It’s not fair! Why do blacks get their own month? That’s really racist. I bet if there was a white history month, or a white parade, even, we would be called racist. That’s a bunch of bullcrap. Sorry for cursing, but it is! “
Translation: What? Blacks have their own month? Fuck that shit. Why the fuck do they get their own month? I’m not a racist, but I just think that for a people that we enslaved and persecuted and continue to be oppress based on the color of their skin… to have a whole month dedicated to them is completely uncalled for. And sure, yeah, I understand that the whites in America (besides some of those dirty Irish, and some Jews) have never truly been through such and a thing… And, okay, white history is taught to us every god damned day in history class, from elementary school all the way up until high school graduation. So we “technically” don’t need a month, since we have everything going for us. But maybe, at least, a white pride parade, though, yeah? It still doesn’t make sense why an undeserving people, like ourselves, don’t have a month yet.
And the latter, they will parade and exploit all of the leaders and communities they ever lied to for a vote: ” It is with great privilege and honor that I stand here before the African-American community, a step ahead of the struggle, and one step closer to victory…”
Translation: If you can’t tell from the patronizing look on my face, I’m only here because I promised you guys some shit, that I can’t really remember right now. It probably has something to do with being black and inequality or something… Anyway, I got your vote. So thanks, but yeah, I really don’t give two fucks about any of you. Can I get as many of you as possible to get on stage with me, right now? I need a few good pictures with some of y’all. Haha. C’mon y’all! Hahahaha. Woot woot! Raise the roof, y’all! Great, just a few more pictures. I think like six will prove that I care and shit. Ok, great. Thanks. I’ll see you when I see you; right before next election, probably.
So the moral of the story: If you’re a minority, like yours truly, for the entirety of the month, you should be giving whites shit about everything (wrong) they have done, are doing, and will do. We want to fuck shit up, too. Give us a chance.
Oh, and if you’re white: Shame on you. You’re all guilty by association. Sorry, but that’s the way the world works. If it were up to me, it would be different. It’s the law of the jungle and what have you…
