Hung Like Huang

Eat your heart out, Silvia Browne:

First and foremost, the world will not end in 2007 (sorry Christian fundamentalist hopefuls–keep your hopes up for 2008).

Gas prices will vary throughout the year.

You will get a traffic ticket. Yes, I’m talking about you.

You will not lose weight.

You will not run a marathon.

You will not cut back on the drinking. In fact, you will drink more.

You’ll think about getting a new cell phone, but you won’t actually do it (unless it breaks).

Your cell phone will break.

No matter how many coupons or promotional flyers you come across for services or products that get you excited, it won’t occur to you to use them until after they have become expired.

You will notice when somebody uses the word “pragmatic.”

You will step in dog poo.

You will download Gary Numan’s Cars. It will not be played in your car.

The Chargers will win the Super Bowl.

50-cent will not only be shot and stabbed, but he will also go through six amputations and three beheadings. Fiddy will die later in the year of a bee sting.

You will swear: “This year will be different; shit’s gonna get done.” Sadly, no, it won’t.