Hung Like Huang

Eat your heart out, Silvia Browne:

First and foremost, the world will not end in 2007 (sorry Christian fundamentalist hopefuls–keep your hopes up for 2008).

Gas prices will vary throughout the year.

You will get a traffic ticket. Yes, I’m talking about you.

You will not lose weight.

You will not run a marathon.

You will not cut back on the drinking. In fact, you will drink more.

You’ll think about getting a new cell phone, but you won’t actually do it (unless it breaks).

Your cell phone will break.

No matter how many coupons or promotional flyers you come across for services or products that get you excited, it won’t occur to you to use them until after they have become expired.

You will notice when somebody uses the word “pragmatic.”

You will step in dog poo.

You will download Gary Numan’s Cars. It will not be played in your car.

The Chargers will win the Super Bowl.

50-cent will not only be shot and stabbed, but he will also go through six amputations and three beheadings. Fiddy will die later in the year of a bee sting.

You will swear: “This year will be different; shit’s gonna get done.” Sadly, no, it won’t.

So being sick sucks. My holiday vacation started on a high note, and the fun quickly waned as I found myself in bed with a pounding headache, stuffy nose, and a congested chest and cough that quickly proclaimed me Eric D., sea lion whisperer.

I’ve been trying to recoup by doing a lot of channel surfing, email checking, and chocolate truffle eating, but not one thing (not even in various combinations) has sufficed. That means that I plan on upping the ante (more VH1, more Scrubs weeks on Comedy Central) to aid my body laden with microbes whose only combatant is one big, giant dose of pop-culture meme-try.

For now, enjoy the news… with a twist!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska- After winning more protection for polar bears, a conservation group is pressuring the U.S. government to keep the North Pacific right whale from going extinct. The whales are the most endangered in the world.

Upon hearing of the conservation group’s fervor for the right whale, the left whale group activists called foul play for getting such little attention. A North Pacific right whale spokesman responded: “Fuck those hippies.”

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga.- If you think kids are picky, try feeding a giant panda.

It takes four full-time bamboo hunters at Zoo Atlanta to satisfy the palates of the zoo’s panda pair, Lun Lun and Yang Yang. And they are not always successful.

The animals’ diet consists almost entirely of bamboo, but they will eat only about 20 of the 200 or so species that grow in Georgia. What type they like also varies by the time of year. Sometimes the pandas will eat nothing but one variety for a week, then refuse to eat it anymore. (Sound familiar, parents?)

In other news, giant panda beatings in Georgia are up 70% since last year.

(AHN) - Following the announcement by entertainment giant Walt Disney Co., the Universal Studios’ theme parks have also changed their menu to a more healthier one by eliminating unhealthy trans fats from many junk-food favorites. The healthy menu has reportedly been adopted at its three domestic attractions in California and Florida.

The exchange for healthier food has given thousands of obese people no other choice but to stick to local carnivals and miniature golf courses, just like we all hoped for.

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — The new president of the University of Texas says he will appoint a panel to decide what to do with four bronze statues on the Austin campus that honor confederate leaders and have drawn complaints for several years.

William Powers Jr., who took over as president this month, said the advisory committee would look into concerns about the statues, which include likenesses of Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States, and Gen. Robert E. Lee.

“A lot of students, and especially minority students, have raised concerns. And those are understandable and legitimate concerns. On the other hand, the statues have been here for a long time, and that’s something we have to take into account as well,” Powers said in Wednesday’s Austin American-Statesman.

Powers added, “You know, they [the statues] have been here since before those Negroes had rights. Why would anybody want to forget such a good thing? You’re not quoting me on this, right? […] We should probably get rid of the statues, in my egalitarian opinion. I am not racist. Quote me on that, spic.”

TAMPA, Fla. — The Homeland Security Department sent a letter apologizing to a Muslim woman who was detained at the Tampa airport and strip searched at a county jail.

Safana Jawad, 45, a Spanish citizen who was born in Iraq, was detained on April 11 because of a suspected tie to a suspicious person, authorities said. She was held for two days before being deported to England.

Jawad filed a complaint, and the agency apologized in a letter dated Dec. 8.

“On behalf of the Department of Homeland Security, I offer you my sincere apology for having to undergo a strip search. We further apologize for the hooting, hollering, and the dollar singles that were flung in your direction,” wrote Timothy J. Keefer, acting chief counsel for the department’s Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties.

Germans trying to out due Americans in crazy antics dictated by alcoholism:

Hilarious

Everybody knows what the homeless would ask Jolly St. Nick to bring them for Christmas, but have you ever thought about what, as crazy as this may seem, they would hate finding under their cart? I’ve come up with a few gift ideas that are bound to disappoint the homeless across America… and parts of Canada.

• A set of keys.
• A wallet (cuz you know whatever money the do have, they directly deposit into their livers).
• Dignity.
• A punch card.
• An online subscription to the New York Times.
• A universal remote.
• A dog collar, but no dog.
• An origami noose.

Can you think of some? If you can, make sure to wrap it (or them) up, and give it to your friendly neighborhood bum. Also, make sure to stick around for their reaction as they realize they’ve reached a frustratingly all-time low.

I received the following from an email that somebody sent me. The quotes are supposed to be the most ridiculous analogies and metaphors collected by High School English teachers from submitted essays.

This year’s cream of the crop:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock,like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Before I start this post, I wan’t to take a second, because he at least deserves that much, and partially pay tribute to a great man. Joseph Barbera died today, which is a total bummer. If you never watched Scooby-doo, the Flintstones, or the Jetsons, (who the hell didn’t grow up watching cartoons from the 60’s?) you are missing out on really great cartoons. The former, particularly, strikes a nerve with me. Teaching kids skepticism is one of the best and most important things that can be done, even if through cartoons. Let’s all reminisce a little and click here, here or here.

So it’s been a little while since the site was last updated, and everyone has been very patient. Alas, yearn no more! I’ve been really busy with hating school and being a bum that I haven’t been able to reprieve you from your wretchedly boring lives. That’s all about to change. You see, for the next few weeks, I will be documenting any and all banal minutia that comes my way. Hooray!

So, let me kick it off with last night’s occurrence atop a snowy mountain side, which can only be described as euphoric and confusing at best. And let me tell you, I’ve never been both (euphoric and confused) at the same time, so I may not have even been either. And another thing, I wasn’t under the influence of drugs per se (Uh-uh, alcohol doesn’t count. Nope.).

The only thing that I can equate what my friend and I experienced last night is to respond to a now ubiquitous statement made popular by Dave Chappelle, and that is: Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Well, you know what? You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. Steel Reserve is a hell of drug— a $1.05 dollar drug. Sure I’ve never tried cocaine and probably never will, but still… I know what I’m talking about. Did you ever knowingly want to fight a tree? Exactly.

There is a newfound state of inebriation that is what it is. It’s not drunk. It cannot be defined. It cannot be explained. It can only be experienced. Only through the consumption of Steel Reserve can one (and many) come to see the Snow Slug. Now I know what you may be thinking: “Eric, what the hell is a snow slug? I searched Wiki and nothing turned up. Wikipedia don’t lie.” Wrong. And Wrong again. Wikipedia raped your cat rapping dog. Who do you believe now?

I’m going to stop here in order to leave you wondering what the hell a snow slug is. That, and it wouldn’t do justice describing this majestic and noble tire dodging creature. I will, however, give you the necessary ingredients for this stew of disaster so that you may encounter the beast for yourself:

1. 1 tall can or 40oz. bottle of Steel Reserve.
2. A friend or two as crazy as you.
3. A car and driver capable of driving up a snow cased mountain, at night.
4. A t-shirt and a pair of shorts (you’ll know why after drinking the devil’s cough medicine).

I guarantee the Snow Slug to be one of the most beautiful and intriguing specimens of (hallucinogenic) nature, or my name ain’t Billy Bob Thornton.

As a scientist, I plan on undertaking further experimental endeavors with this liquid poison. Stay tuned for updates on the psychopharmacological side-effects of this, and for other non-alcohol related shenanigans.

Snow sluggishly lucid,

Eric

1. Rims (actual size).
2. Kitchen appliances (stoves, microwaves, mini-fridges).
3. Computers (monitors, keyboards, printers, etc).
4. Tax Return Forms
5. TVs
6. DVD players
7. Ipods (still in the packaging).
8. Animals (dogs, ponies, cats, alligators, etc.)—All should be gold or platinum plated and diamond encrusted, or at least still alive.
9. Babies or midgets (Under the same circumstances as animals).
10. Other rappers—the top rappers will be determined by the caliber of the more inferior rapper hanging from their necks. For example, Jay-Z hangs Ludacris (or any other rapper for that matter) from his neck. Snoop dog hangs himself from his neck.

1. Do Not: ask if he/she can feel the force.
2. Do Not Say: “So what’s up with your sister/brother?”
3. Do Not: hum your favorite Black Eyed Pees song before reaching climax. It’s okay if you do it afterward, though.
4. Do Not Say: “Oh, I thought I had it in the right hole,” and continue without making the necessary changes.
5. Do Not: use your partners ass/back as a cub holder or food tray.
6. Do Not Say: “Oh, my bad, Jessica… I mean Jenny… Sarah?” Nervous laughter also won’t help you. Just flog yourself to sleep tonight, man.
7. Do Not: reference any movie of nerdom status. (see # 1.)
8. Do Not Say, ladies: “Are you in yet?” You are guaranteed to crush his ego, make him go limp, and/or cause him to buy a ridiculously lifted truck. Be very careful, ladies.
9. Do Not: read a book, watch TV, talk on the phone, play Halo, or do your tax return. There is a proper time and place for all of these.
10. Do Not Say, men: “I want you to have my baby.” This can have only one of two disastrous results.