Banned From Television
With the midterm elections over, most can finally rest knowing that dems have finally taken over the house and the senate. Phew! But that’s not the point of this post. Or is it? Nope. It’s not.
Politicians have, generally, used several methods to get their messages across when it’s time for you to go out and vote. The most notable of these methods is ad campaigns. Politicians use these ads to say what they want, for the most part, about their opponent. Sometimes things get a little out of hand when politicians are given a medium where they can talk all they want.
And since we here at hunglikehuang have connections with various media and government outlets, we have come across transcripts of two banned ad campaigns from one “Schwarzenegger” and one “Angelides.”
Originally set to be viewed on October 17, 2006
“Because Arnold Cares”
(Scene: A.S. is walking in a park filled with children playing and laughing. A.S. is approached by a kindly old lady looking for some answers.)
Lady: Oh Mr. Schwarzenneger, I have some concerns with the upcoming election for governor. I don’t know if you are more qualified than that Angelidas character. Why should I vote for you and not someone capable of pronunciation?
Arnold: That is a good question. A question that I will gladly answer for you, unlike my opponent, that baby eating Jew.
Lady: *Gasp*
Arnold: You see, Phil Angelides is a coward shrouded in a veil of a man. Unlike my opponent, I will not make fun of retards, spics, kikes, chinks or otherwise. I tolerate those individuals.
Lady: Did you say chink?
Arnold: Yes I did, but I meant to say gook. Furthermore, Angelides is for an initiative that will ban the marriages of fags and the like. I love fags. I am also tolerant of these individuals. In fact, I met one a couple of days ago and I even acknowledged his or her existence.
Lady: Oh goody! But do you really have to say fag?
Arnold: Yes. Phil Angelides eats puppies.
Lady: I’m not to sure if to believe that. I’m not sure if I believe you. You may actually be convincing me to not vote for you.
Arnold: That is another good question.
Lady: I didn’t ask anything.
Arnold: You make a good point. I will continue to address your question. Phil Angelides wants to take your job and give it to illegal aliens… from outer space. Angelides would also like to, in an alien-esque fashion, abduct your family and anally probe and rape them. Under my guidance, this will not happen. I am willing to build as many T-1000’s as it takes to ensure your safety.
Lady: Ok, this is seriously getting weird. I don’t want to be part of this anymore. I was told to memorize a script and this was not on it.
(A flower box marked roses is then handed to the kindly and now confused old lady. Before she opens them, Schwarzenegger places a head shot of Angelides over the face of the old woman. )
Arnold: Get down if you want to live!
Lady: *frightened* I don’t like this!!
(Schwarzenneger removes the cover from the flower box only to unveil a very sophisticated firing weapon, much like a bazooka.)
Arnold: I’ll be back!
Lady: *crying* I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m scared…I am sorry.
(Schwarzenneger fires the missile into the old woman.)
Arnold: If you want a governor who will take care of business, I am the one to vote for. Otherwise… there is not otherwise. I am coming for all of you. I will crush you all. *maniacally laughs and shoots off weapon*
(Stars and Stripes plays while the camera pans out over the smoking body of the old woman as children flee the park.)
Voice over: Arnold Schwarzenneger, because you have no choice.
Scene
Originally set to be viewed on October 15, 2006
“Because that Swastika Bearing Nazi’s only a Fucking Novelty”
(note: running title. consider edit)
(Scene: P.A. approaches a group of the extreme elderly in a fireside chat within a retirement compound. Phil begins to humor the industrial age relics by entertaining their pathetic concerns.)
Phil: Let me begin by expressing my gratitude to all of you for joining me tonight. I realize your time is short and of mild value. As you know, I’m running for Governor of California and with your driving licenses in constant jeopardy you have fewer and fewer chances to display authority by defying your offspring. So before you take that dirt nap, allow me to feed off your ingrained prejudices and engage you in idle conversation
Old Bag: What will be your policy on energy conservation and alternate fuels?
Phil: Unlike Arnold, I intend to pursue realistic means of securing low cost energy solutions such as ethanol and bio-diesel to reduce dependency on foreign oil. Arnold’s ambitious research into the use of kitten blood and purple heart medals to top off the tank of his Hummer simply seems wasteful. Perhaps you have a question for me?
Archaic Guy: That bastard! Mr. Snickers is more than SUV juice. Well, what do you plan to do about Arnold and his metal soldiers?
Phil: While most hold true that the documentary Terminator is no more that Hollywood entertainment, I assure you that your fears are valid and I plan to instate massive reforms to California’s Robot Insurance Commission (RIC). (more information click here)
“I Only Want To Die”-Fred: I’m ooooold!
Phil: Moving on…
“I Had Sex With The Entire 32nd Airborne”-Betty: I believe, sir, that you have a few facts confused. Robots are not a great concern, gas prices are on the decline, and Schwarzenegger is from Austria, not Germany.
Phil: I believe, ma’am, that you probably allowed Mr. Schwarzenegger to violate you in a bathroom stall at the local Country Kitchen Buffet.
“This Used To Be All Orange Groves”-Lorraine: How will you improve the failing educational system that has failed so many California students.
Phil: I believe that the future is our children and other such shit. I’m sorry, I gotta be honest, I’m high as shit right now, but honesty is one of the best lessons a student can learn. So, in fact, I may have actually given you a legitimate answer to your question. Thank you marijuana.
“Are All The Fags And Blacks Dead Yet “-Arthur: Will you use your new authority to finally rid California of all fags, blacks, and faggy-blacks?
Phil: Off the record, yes. On the record, yes.
Scene
