Hung Like Huang

What would your favorite famous persons or TV characters do? Have you ever wondered? Well, wonder no more!

What would A.C. Slater Do?

Push you into a locker, that’s what.

What Dould Mr. T Do?

Pity you, fool.

What Would Alf Do?

Eat a cat.

What Would Hitler Do?

Depends, are you a Jew?

What Would Tom Cruise Do?

Consult with Xenu.

What Would Kevin Federline Do?

Sleep… and also nothing.

What Would Michael Richards Do?

Encourage apartheid.

What Would Uncle Jesse (Katsopolis) Do?

Have mercy.

What Would Borat Do?

Break up a perfectly sound and stable marriage destined for longevity.

And finally…

What Would Jesus Do?

Whine to his dad.

There has been a rumor circulating the internet that we, the writers of of Hung Like Huang, are non other than Mario Lopez, who happens to be posing as A.C. Slater… who, again, happens to be posing as “some bored college students.” Well, let me tell you one thing, preppy, somebody will get smashed into a locker for that. I don’t know what’s going on around here or how this rumor got started, but if Screech or Zack are in any way involved, they will pay for it. Mr. B says I should probably relax, and he’s probably right… I don’t want another detention. I also don’t need anymore of this added stress. I have a wrestling match on Saturday against those Valley morons. I’m totally going to rock their world. My pretty mama, Jessie, has been on my back all week about my “unhealthy obsession” with wrestling. So what, if I like being on my back with a hot and sweaty guy? You should just worry about looking pretty and cooking me a good meal, hot mama.

So you see why I don’t need any other baseless accusations, even though I could probably take them since I’m soo tough. I could probably bench press your Honda, no problem.

I’m going to make this clear to all of you: We are NOT A.C. Slater. And I suggest, that unless any of you wish to be permanently attached to the inside of a high school locker, its best if you all keep your mouths shut.

On a homoerotic roid rage,

Alberto C.

P.S. Fess up, preppy.

P.P.S. I know I put up a super huge and very flattering pic of A.C., but it wasnt intentional.

With the midterm elections over, most can finally rest knowing that dems have finally taken over the house and the senate. Phew! But that’s not the point of this post. Or is it? Nope. It’s not.

Politicians have, generally, used several methods to get their messages across when it’s time for you to go out and vote. The most notable of these methods is ad campaigns. Politicians use these ads to say what they want, for the most part, about their opponent. Sometimes things get a little out of hand when politicians are given a medium where they can talk all they want.

And since we here at hunglikehuang have connections with various media and government outlets, we have come across transcripts of two banned ad campaigns from one “Schwarzenegger” and one “Angelides.”

Originally set to be viewed on October 17, 2006

“Because Arnold Cares”

(Scene: A.S. is walking in a park filled with children playing and laughing. A.S. is approached by a kindly old lady looking for some answers.)

Lady: Oh Mr. Schwarzenneger, I have some concerns with the upcoming election for governor. I don’t know if you are more qualified than that Angelidas character. Why should I vote for you and not someone capable of pronunciation?

Arnold: That is a good question. A question that I will gladly answer for you, unlike my opponent, that baby eating Jew.

Lady: *Gasp*

Arnold: You see, Phil Angelides is a coward shrouded in a veil of a man. Unlike my opponent, I will not make fun of retards, spics, kikes, chinks or otherwise. I tolerate those individuals.

Lady: Did you say chink?

Arnold: Yes I did, but I meant to say gook. Furthermore, Angelides is for an initiative that will ban the marriages of fags and the like. I love fags. I am also tolerant of these individuals. In fact, I met one a couple of days ago and I even acknowledged his or her existence.

Lady: Oh goody! But do you really have to say fag?

Arnold: Yes. Phil Angelides eats puppies.

Lady: I’m not to sure if to believe that. I’m not sure if I believe you. You may actually be convincing me to not vote for you.

Arnold: That is another good question.

Lady: I didn’t ask anything.

Arnold: You make a good point. I will continue to address your question. Phil Angelides wants to take your job and give it to illegal aliens… from outer space. Angelides would also like to, in an alien-esque fashion, abduct your family and anally probe and rape them. Under my guidance, this will not happen. I am willing to build as many T-1000’s as it takes to ensure your safety.

Lady: Ok, this is seriously getting weird. I don’t want to be part of this anymore. I was told to memorize a script and this was not on it.

(A flower box marked roses is then handed to the kindly and now confused old lady. Before she opens them, Schwarzenegger places a head shot of Angelides over the face of the old woman. )

Arnold: Get down if you want to live!

Lady: *frightened* I don’t like this!!

(Schwarzenneger removes the cover from the flower box only to unveil a very sophisticated firing weapon, much like a bazooka.)

Arnold: I’ll be back!

Lady: *crying* I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m scared…I am sorry.

(Schwarzenneger fires the missile into the old woman.)

Arnold: If you want a governor who will take care of business, I am the one to vote for. Otherwise… there is not otherwise. I am coming for all of you. I will crush you all. *maniacally laughs and shoots off weapon*

(Stars and Stripes plays while the camera pans out over the smoking body of the old woman as children flee the park.)

Voice over: Arnold Schwarzenneger, because you have no choice.

Scene

Originally set to be viewed on October 15, 2006

“Because that Swastika Bearing Nazi’s only a Fucking Novelty”

(note: running title. consider edit)

(Scene: P.A. approaches a group of the extreme elderly in a fireside chat within a retirement compound. Phil begins to humor the industrial age relics by entertaining their pathetic concerns.)

Phil: Let me begin by expressing my gratitude to all of you for joining me tonight. I realize your time is short and of mild value. As you know, I’m running for Governor of California and with your driving licenses in constant jeopardy you have fewer and fewer chances to display authority by defying your offspring. So before you take that dirt nap, allow me to feed off your ingrained prejudices and engage you in idle conversation

Old Bag: What will be your policy on energy conservation and alternate fuels?

Phil: Unlike Arnold, I intend to pursue realistic means of securing low cost energy solutions such as ethanol and bio-diesel to reduce dependency on foreign oil. Arnold’s ambitious research into the use of kitten blood and purple heart medals to top off the tank of his Hummer simply seems wasteful. Perhaps you have a question for me?

Archaic Guy: That bastard! Mr. Snickers is more than SUV juice. Well, what do you plan to do about Arnold and his metal soldiers?

Phil: While most hold true that the documentary Terminator is no more that Hollywood entertainment, I assure you that your fears are valid and I plan to instate massive reforms to California’s Robot Insurance Commission (RIC). (more information click here)

“I Only Want To Die”-Fred: I’m ooooold!

Phil: Moving on…

“I Had Sex With The Entire 32nd Airborne”-Betty: I believe, sir, that you have a few facts confused. Robots are not a great concern, gas prices are on the decline, and Schwarzenegger is from Austria, not Germany.

Phil: I believe, ma’am, that you probably allowed Mr. Schwarzenegger to violate you in a bathroom stall at the local Country Kitchen Buffet.

“This Used To Be All Orange Groves”-Lorraine: How will you improve the failing educational system that has failed so many California students.

Phil: I believe that the future is our children and other such shit. I’m sorry, I gotta be honest, I’m high as shit right now, but honesty is one of the best lessons a student can learn. So, in fact, I may have actually given you a legitimate answer to your question. Thank you marijuana.

“Are All The Fags And Blacks Dead Yet “-Arthur: Will you use your new authority to finally rid California of all fags, blacks, and faggy-blacks?

Phil: Off the record, yes. On the record, yes.

Scene

Very so often in life, you will come across people who do things that will oustound you. Many times, you will come across people that leave you breathless. Other times, you will come across people that make you ask, “what were they thinking?”

So now, thanks to the wonders of the internet, and one super awesome blogger (me!), you will get a short glimpse into the minds of all those people that make you glad you don’t live in a third world country, or the south.

“Just because it ain’t got wheels, don’t mean you can’t steal it.”

“I’m a bush!”

“Don’t let the bloody boots fool ya, birds, I’m only in need of your feathers. After that, of course, you will be savagely stomped to a bloody pulp…”

“I know you needed a rear view mirror, Akashi, but this is just plain ridiculous.”

“…times three metric tons, carry the one… shit, I’m still poor.”

So in case you’ve never been part of the mind altering game of “would you rather,” here are the specifics of the game:

First, two scenarios are presented which are soo close in detrimental results, that it makes it extremely difficult to choose which “would you rather.”

Second, one of the scenarios must be chosen not matter what. Death is never an option (although some scenarios of the game may involve death as a consequence).

Third, the grosser or more extreme the better.

So, without further ado…

Would you rather slaughter a group of ten bunnies or eat a puppy?

Would you rather never be able to use the internet again or never be able to use a phone again?

Would you rather have your writing arm amputated or your favorite leg amputated?

Would you rather be married to your mom (or dad) or be married to the ugliest, most repulsive person imaginable?

Would you rather blow Weird Al Yankovich or blow Pee Wee Herman?

Would you rather punch your mom in her boob or kick your dad in the nuts?

Would you rather be Carrot Top or Kevin Federline?

Would you rather be raped by a gorilla or be raped by a bear?

Would you rather poop chocolate or pee lemonade?

Would you rather not have wasted your time reading this or be a shark?

So there you have it. Stay tuned for more stuff.

• There are a whole lot of people who hate kids. And by hate kids, I mean detest kids. And by people who hate kids, I mean people who do not hand out candy.

• Halloween really is the only time of year in which slutty girls are given free reign to do what they do best—composing the most whore-rrific ensemble possible (mainly a thong, bra, and fishnets, accompanied by bunny ears or devil horns). Surprisingly (or not), though, this is fine by me.

• Conversely, Halloween presents an occasion for all the upstanding young men to throw decency to the wind and dawn the single most offensive uniform in a random fit of rampant douche-baggery. Surprisingly (or not), though, this is NOT fine by me.

• Unlike when you were a kid, you now have a very low tolerance for candy (particularly chocolate). Also, you still hate those tiny, round, multi-colored, chalky disks that come in a tubular pack of twenty. You know the ones.

• Any and every Halloween/horror movie that you ever watched as a kid, will be on marathon mode on some cable channel. Guaranteed.

• Like any other holiday, Halloween is as good a time as any to drink alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

• Fog machines and strobe lights still haven’t lost their novelty.

• Some people love dressing up as themselves for Halloween—mainly celebrities.

So here are some examples:

Paris Hilton as a skanky slut (navy sgt., I’m guessing).

Chris Klein as… a pizza slice…(a pizza slice, that’s what he is in real life).

Lindsay Lohan as a sluttified 80’s fashion trend/movie(Flashdance chick).

And Bill Maher as his asshole-self (dead Steve Irwin).