Hung Like Huang

Most beers are brewed in a similar manner. You begin with a base malt (Approx 6lbs. Liquid malt ext.). This is where the bulk of the alcohol content originates. To augment the boozification of your fun juice you will need to include solids to the mix. Here are a few you can choose from.

*Dry malt extract
*Rice syrup solids
*Honey
*Brown sugar

(note: If the latter two drew your attention then you were the one rolling into highschool parties with a six pack of Smirnoff Ice.)
(note: Some additives are solids and overuse could cause your batch to become an amorphous semi-solid not unlike Kirstie Alley [Snap].)

Let’s get to the preparation part of this bitch since I know this sciency crap’s a bit dry…

What you will need: (Good luck finding at least half this shit anywhere)

*Yeast
*Malt extract
*30pk. Of your favorite beer (This is gonna take a while. Be prepared!)
*Specialty Grains
*Flux Capacitor
*Hops
*Means of generating 1.21 Jiggawatts
*Machine that looks like a ten gallon bucket filled with a giant helix shaped copper dildo

Procedure:

You begin by removing your yeast from the refrigerator along with two beers. Place your malt extract into a sink full of warm water. Hell, throw the beers in there too, they’re easier to drink when they’re not freezing. Consider giving up and have another beer. Next, heat water and combine it with your grain in a grain bag, trash bag, or fuckin’ whatever’s handy I guess. Have a beer. Don’t forget to burn off the turner. Let grains soak for 30 minutes-ish. For added danger, your drunk ass will now be boiling water and dipping the grain bag gently into it, sort of how your friend Greg dangled his…never mind.

So now add the liquid and dry malt to the disaster that is before you. All this heat has doubtlessly made you a bit parched. Get your friend in on the action by demanding he get his freeloading ass to the fridge for some refreshment. Remind him that his mom is hot and that you would “do” her if given the opportunity. When he reminds you that his mother died two years ago in a horrific jet ski accident, panic, and say you meant his dad. Nice save. Reward yourself by shotgunning a beer.

Once the shit stew has come to a boil, add hops and set a timer for… 60min!!! Fuck that, you’ll say. Have a beer in an attempt to forget the Greg incident. With all this open air, bare hands, and general disregard for personal hygiene you may be asking yourself about sanitation. That disease ridden whore you call a girlfriend has more medical issues than she can count on her eight and a half digits. Now you’re concerned with sanitation? Alcohol kills everything anyway, right? Moving on. You know what, fuck it. If you could follow a simple set of instructions you would still be in high school now wouldn’t you. Here are the “cliff notes” you thick fuck. Take all ingredients, shove them down your throat. Let it ferment as it expands without bound in your gastric intestinal tract while you float belly down in a shallow puddle of your own failure, also known as your neighbors above ground pool. How hard was it to get that 30 pack earlier anyway. Ten minutes and fifteen bucks and you were all set. Now you’re suffering from third degree burns and crippling debt asshole. Great, now next time your friend gets drunken ambition and suggests how “wicked” it would be to create your own brew say “fuck that and fuck you Greg”, it’s not all Betty Crockery.

The Chupacabra is the most misunderstood of all animals. It’s history dates back to prehistoric time. In fact, scientologists across the state of California agree that the Chupacabra is responsible for the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. The Chupacabra arrived to Earth nearly 65 million years ago, via meteor. Although many scientists believe the meteor the Chupacabra used for transportation to be the one responsible for the extinction of dinosaurs, they are in fact incorrect. The Chupacabra arrived with a hunger comparable to that of an Ethiopian. Shortly after feasting opon millions of gillions of dinosaurs, the Chupa, a hermaphroditical asexual reproducer, decided that it was time to start a Chupi-family. After years of making love to itself, the Chupa was successful and withing a few seconds, a whole herd of Chupis was birthed from the Chupa’s third dorsal fin.

The first known, documented sightings of a Chupacabra family, or pride, out of its habitat (the rural area of what is now known as Compton) was in the early 1400’s. During this time, the Chupa ran out of dinosaurs to eat. To supplement the growing hunger, and growing number of Chupi-cubs, the Chupa decided that it was time to let its presences be known among humans, whom they have allowed to live along side them, unknowingly symbiotic— Chupacabra urine acted as a catalyst for the evolution of man from lower primates, after the Chupacabras found it amusing to stand atop trees and squat over the apes and let their pee rain onto them. In fact, this golden shower, of sorts, is the reason many ancient cultures started rain dancing. For years to come Chupacabra feces would become an enriching, vital food for humans; and humans, would continue to be the most humorous of all animals, to the Chupa.

So, in 1409, with its presence known throughout Europe, a conference of the Roman Catholic Church, known as the Council of Pisa, was called into order to discuss many discerning issues, among them, the Western Schism, which was caused by the Chupacabra. Many Chupa fearing Catholics decided that it was in their best interest to appoint their newfound God as Pope of the Catholic Church. Much upheaval resulted. The Chupa, not one to get involved with petty human issues, decided to take a long needed nap. After several years of slumber, 158 years to be exact, the Chupi was awakened by what is now known to be its mortal enemy, the cow udder. Nobody knows the reasons why the Chupacabra instantaneously implodes when in the presence of cow udders. However, since the awakening, they have made their presence felt in South America, Mexico… and Compton.

Quick Chupacabra Facts:

-Life Expectency: 10 dog years

-Responsible for: Katrina and Plate Tectonics

-Favorite Color: Yellow

-Favorite Food: Dinosaurs, chickens, and goats

-Favorite Movie: Jerry Maguire

-Hates: Cows

-Loves: Oingo Boingo

Click here if you would like to see the beast!