Hung Like Huang

I recently caught up with Carlos Mencia as he shopped for clothes at A&F. We talked a lot. Here’s what the rising star had to say.

HungLikeHuang: Hey, first of all, thanks for giving me the opportunity to do this. I hope I am not keeping you away from anything important.

Carlos Mencia: No, just shopping for the fall season.

HLH:I heard you’ve been up to a lot lately, is that right?

CM: Yeah, actually I have been doing quite a lot. I just finished my second season of Mind of Mencia, so I am getting started on “new” material for next season. It’s really hard to push the same old tired jokes about race, religion, and retards; but especially about race. It’s really hard to be offensive and not funny, you know? Not everybody can yell out “beaner” or “nigger” as well as I can.

HLH: Yeah, I here ya. Like, seriously, how do you do it?

CM: Well it’s really not that hard, I probably exaggerated a little bit. I mean, because, it’s really easy not relating to any of the people that I make fun of. Since my real name is Ned Holness, I knew I had to do something about that if I wanted it to work. Ever since I could remember, I’ve liked saying the word beaner and making racist jokes. I knew that I had to deceive the general public. You have to make them believe you’re one of them in order for it to work. And so, Carlos was perfect for that. It’s been butter ever since. I’m starting a new trend, I think.

HLH: Oh, your real name is Ned? I never knew that.

CM: Yeah, not many people know that.

HLH: But you were probably born in Mexico then since you associate yourself with beaners.

CM: Well actually, I’m half Honduran and half German. But that’s what makes my comedy edgy and funny. That’s why beaners like me so much; I tell it like it is.

HLH: How did you decide to get into standup comedy?

CM: I was always really good at making my friends laugh with my ability to stereotype. Like whenever I would be around my friends and a black guy walked by, I would say something to the effect of: “Oh, I bet that black guy just stole something.” Something I still use on Mind. Plus it’s really easy ripping and reworking Dave Chappell’s material. I took his time slot, why not his material? So what if I don’t understand satire?

HLH: You have a lot of critics out there that say you’re just a guy who makes racist comments. A guy who isn’t even a half-decent standup comedian. A guy who is considered, by many, a plagiarist. A guy with, almost, obsessively narrow material. In short, you’re considered a hack. How do you respond to your critics?

CM: All I have to say is that nobody understands beaners. Anybody who says that is either racist, or a retard. People dislike me and make up rumors about me because of my poor delivery style and awful jokes. I’m not very good at what I do. But I do know one thing, and that is that people love me.

HLH: Thanks for your time.

CM: No prob. Wanna hang?

HLH: No.

CM: Beaner.

Her pleasure condoms have long been revered by men as the condom of choice to please the (infinitely) dissatisfied woman. It is no wonder there has been an increase in sales of said condom. The secret behind the ‘her pleasure’ condom is in the incorporation of ridges. The ridges give that added stimulation that most men cannot offer. Similarly, there has also been an increase in the number of men getting circumcised as adults. This increase in “her pleasure” condom sales is tied in to the condoms’ true purpose: the ridges on the condom are aimed at simulating the uncircumcised penis. Otto von Schlick, a known anti-Semite, attributes this increase in circumcisions– von Schlick prefers “desecration of wieners” to circumcision– to society’s desire to be more like those “rat-like, money grubbing, Jesus killing faggots.” However, in spite of such unfortunate circumstances, von Schlick takes solace in knowing that his “non-Jew demeanor” will help him with women, and ultimately, the procreation of “non -Jew babies.” “With all this extra skin on my dick, I’ll be getting all the bitches,” he concluded.

Update: Shortly after this was posted, Mr. von Schlick retracted his comments. When asked why, von Schlick stated not being in a correct state of mind as he had been drinking alcohol prior to being quoted.

Many of you may be familiar with those late night commercials offering you the very best of inebriated, college girl toplessness. Girls Gone Wild has, for a long time, offered its viewing audience a glimpse into spring break madness via half-naked girls willing to do anything. Well, it turns out the creator of GGW, Joe Francis, is up to more than just spearheading his multi-million dollar empire. Yesterday, Claire Hoffman, a staff writer for The Times, released an article unmasking the exploits of the self-proclaimed “shy guy” and entrepreneur. In the article, Hoffman gives her first hand account of the world Francis prides himself in having — coercing underage girls to stripping and performing sexual acts, exploiting his employees, manipulating and lying to keep his acts under wrap. Go ahead have a read. It may be a tad long, but well worth it.

(*Side note- It’s obvious that I don‘t hate him so much for what he has done to many young girls, but for what he did to one girl in particular. That‘s right, I blame him for Lindsay‘s fall from grace/hotness. Compare her before meeting Francis… and after.)

Something has to be done to keep this shitbag from depraving the Lindsay Lohans of tomorrow. Lets all get our shit together and introduce Francis to our big black friend, Bubba. You know, the one with an affinity to rape condescending prick-holes.